Erin the Head
by Kara Wild
Summary: Reeling from a shattered marriage, Daria's cousin Erin quickly takes an interest in Trent. She then convinces Daria to play yenta and set the two of them up. But what are Daria's real motives? Takes place between "Jane's Addition" and "I Loathe a Parad


"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is **not** an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the baker's dozen thirteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows

  1. "Rose-Colored Lenses," 
  2. "The Tie That Chokes," 
  3. "That Thing You Say," 
  4. "'Shipped Out," 
  5. "Andrea Speaks!", 
  6. "Cheered Down," 
  7. "None in the Family, Part One," 
  8. "None in the Family, Part Two," 
  9. "Outvoted," 
  10. "Of Absolute Value," 
  11. "Breaking the Mold," and 
  12. "Surreal World."

I'd give it a 2S...

Let me start off by saying that I **hate** the title I chose for this episode. I don't usually go for titles that only make sense phonetically. But I since I'm not one to shed titles I've chosen, I decided to stick with it.

Let me also say that this isn't **exactly** Anti-'Shipper Two. While this has definite anti-'shipper undertones, it is more of an exploration of love and its effects. Well, you'll just have to read it to see. ; > Enjoy!

**Ten Spot Promo:** These are getting so monotonous -- I think I've used all of them twice by now. It's reaching the point where I'll have to start making some up. Hmmmm, how 'bout....... we see half of Daria's face, the way we do on the show's logo. The screen behind her is black, a la "The Blair Witch Project." Daria looks at us pleadingly and says, with none of her usual deadpan, "Help us! We've been trapped inside the TV for almost **three** years! We're **not** cartoons, we're people just like you! To Jane's mom, and Quinn's mom, and Helen's mom, and Jake's mom, I just want to say I'm **sorry**. The project was **my** idea. I am soooooooooooo scared!"

Okay, that was the first **and** last "Blair Witch" spoof I'll ever do...

[intro theme music...................]

# ERIN THE HEAD

_by_

## Kara Wild

* * *

**ACT ONE**

SCENE 1 (_Morgendorffer house, evening_)

(_Shot of the outside._)

**JANE:** (_off screen voice-over_) I'd say... Kevin Costner?

**DARIA:** (_off screen voice-over_) Too old.

**JANE:** Costner is? Yeah. And his career's on life-support...

(Cut to close-up shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed. They're staring at a bunch of photos, which are positioned in such a way that you can't see who's on them. Jane's gazing at them with amusement, while Daria seems only mildly enthused.)

**DARIA:** If I **must** choose which overpaid movie star most resembles my aunt's boyfriend, I'll go with a Fiennes brother.

**JANE:** Yeah... but Joseph, not Ralph.

**DARIA:** He's not as attractive as either of them, but why not? (_sighs._) At least she's got **one** of the Fienneses.

**JANE:** Yep. (_Bt_) So this is **the** Joel, hmm? That Amy can sure pick 'em.

**DARIA:** Mmmmm...

(She stands up and walks over to the chair by her computer, while Jane continues to look at the pictures.)

**JANE:** Oooh -- Speedos! He looks **gooood**.

**DARIA:** (_sarcastic_) Want the negative? You could use it to make a poster-sized copy of your very own.

**JANE:** (_faux consideration_) A poster of another woman's main squeeze -- that **does** sound appealing in a "Fatal Attraction" kind of way. But nah. (_Bt. cocks a brow._) So care to tell me why these've been sitting around your house for **two** weeks and you never told me about them?

**DARIA:** What's to tell? (_shrugs._) She got back together with him a whole month before these even arrived. They're living together.

**JANE:** Cool. (_eyes Daria carefully, noting her dismal expression._) So why bother to bring them out now?

**DARIA:** With my cousin Erin appearing on the Guptys' marriage therapy show, today just felt like the right occasion. Why miss the chance to create a big family snugglefest?

**JANE:** (_sardonic_) You **do** so love to get warm 'n' fuzzy.

(_Daria sighs._)

**DARIA:** I'd known for a while that Amy had a boyfriend, but until these photos, I'd never thought of him as a real guy. But now... it's... just weird.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** (_wry sympathy_) Weird in a **Tom** kind of way?

**DARIA:** **No**. (_Pause. reddens. blurts out._) Weird in an "everyone has a relationship except **me** kind of way."

(_Pause. Jane looks at Daria with interest. Daria blushes even harder._)

**DARIA:** Forget it. Strike that from the record.

**JANE:** Now **hold** on. (_Bt. delighted_) Daria, would you happen to be thinking of making **another** play for Trent?

(_Beat. Before Daria can respond, we hear off screen: _)

**JAKE:** Kiddo! The show's about to start!

**JANE:** Y' know, he's not seeing anybody right now.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Whoopee for him. Let's get downstairs.

(She jumps up out of her chair and quickly leaves the room. Jane lays down the photos and follows her, wearing an "I **knew** it" expression.)

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 2 (_living room, a short time later_)

(Shot of the four Morgendorffers and Jane sitting on the couch, watching the Guptys' marriage therapy show. The angle is such that we see the backs of their heads and the glowing TV screen. Cut to close-up of the TV screen. We see Mr. and Mrs. Gupty sitting on two of many chairs, which are arranged in a typical talk show fashion. With them are several guests, including Erin and her husband, Brian, whom we recognize from "I Don't" and "None in the Family." The Guptys are in the midst of talking with them.)

**MR. GUPTY:** (_irritatingly pleasant_) Little did we suspect that our meeting with Brian and Erin Danielson at a local gas station would **change** our lives!

**MRS. GUPTY:** After counseling their marriage back to health, we decided to spread joy and cheer to the other crumbling marriages in Carter County by creating a television show! And the ratings and endorsements we've received these past two months have **really** shown your gratitude!

**MR. GUPTY:** Don't forget to eat your Gupty Frosted Flakes in the morning, kids. They're Gup-tacular!

(Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers and Jane. Helen and Jake watch with delight, Jane with wicked pleasure, Daria with her usual deadpan expression, and Quinn with noticeable melancholia.)

**JANE:** (_faux shock_) Such blatant product plugs. Is public access television not **sacred**, anymore?

**DARIA:** In a country where textbooks double as Wal-Mart catalogues, I'd have to go with no.

(_Resume shot of the T.V._)

**MRS. GUPTY:** And how does it **feel** to be back with us since our **last** meeting?

**BRIAN:** (_mumbling_) 'Sokay.

**ERIN:** (_bubbly_) Oh it's **wonderful**! I just want to say hi to my mom, who'd be watching if this channel were shown in more than one county, my pal Daphne who's always told me "Erin sugar, you've just gotta go after your little ol' dreams and..."

(_Resume shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane._)

**HELEN:** Ohhh... Erin looks **so** attractive. We really **should** pay her and Brian a visit someday, Jake.

**JAKE:** (_enthused_) **Yeah** -- if ever there's a day when **you** don't have a meeting and **I** don't have a golf game!

**QUINN:** (_desolate_) She's **too** attractive! Gahhhhd, **why** does she have to be so **perfect**?? I feel like such a **failure** next to her!

**DARIA:** (_to Jane. deadpan_) At long last, undone by a female who's even more vain and shallow than herself. Too bad she's **also** family.

(_Resume shot of the T.V._)

**JANE:** (_off screen_) And don't she and hubby make the perfect Ken and Barbie set?

**DARIA:** Hollow plastic heads to boot.

ERIN: ... and I **especially** want to thank my Uncle Jake and Aunt Helen, whose horrible separation forced me and Brian to come out to Lawndale in the **first** place!

(_Cut to shot of Helen and Jake, who eye each other uneasily._)

**HELEN:** (_grumbling_) Dammit, I'll hear it from Linda Griffin on **that** one.

(_Resume shot of the T.V. Brian's scowling, but Erin doesn't notice._)

**MR. GUPTY:** Wonderful, just wonderful! And now, if we might ask, do you feel as though your communication has **vastly** improved since our meeting?

**ERIN:** Oh yes! We talk about **everything**, now!

**BRIAN:** Yep, we sure do. I talk, and she talks... and talks... and talks...

(_Erin closes her mouth part way and frowns at Brian a little._)

**JANE:** (_off screen_) Whoops. Looks like Ken just sucker-punched Barbie.

**MRS. GUPTY:** And, um, have you managed to satisfy **other** areas of your life?

**ERIN:** Definitely. We have sex every day, sometimes more than **once** a day!

**MR. & MRS. GUPTY:** Mmmmmm... (_"Whoa."_)

**BRIAN:** Erin!

**ERIN:** (_surprised_) What? Why can't I mention it? We **do** have a healthy sex life, and I think sex is one of the most **important** parts of a relationship.

**BRIAN:** Maybe the most important part of your **mother's** relationships.

(_Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane._)

**DARIA/JANE/JAKE:** Ooooooooooh...

**HELEN:** (_outraged_) How **dare** he say something like that about Rita!

(Resume shot of the T.V. Visibly offended, Erin has now turned to face Brian.)

**ERIN:** What are you saying?? That your mother's **better**?? That **heifer**-woman?!

**DARIA/JANE/JAKE:** (_off screen_) Oooooooooooooh!

**BRIAN:** Hey, at **least** that "heifer-woman" can cook a decent meal and iron out the wrinkles in my shirts, which is **more** than I can say --!

**ERIN:** (_voice rising_) Don't you think I'm **trying** to do a good job?! Why do you **always** have to compare me to her?!

**MR. GUPTY:** (_nervous_) Kids, perhaps we can discuss this quietly, like rational human beings.

**MRS. GUPTY:** Yes, give us the chance to **heal** you.

**BRIAN:** (_not hearing them_) Can **I** help it if she's the kind of woman who chooses to spend every day doing stuff that's **useful**, while **you** --

**ERIN:** What?! Say it!

**BRIAN:** Do absolutely **NOTHING**!!

(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane. All are completely absorbed except for Helen, who looks distressed.)

**HELEN:** This is getting out of control. I don't think I can **watch** anymore.

**JAKE:** (_absently_) Yeah... me neither.

(Suddenly we hear a sharp pounding from off screen. Helen turns her head toward the front door. Resume shot of the T.V.)

**ERIN:** That's not **true**, you stupid BLEEPhole! If you'd **ever** bothered to help me out once in while --!

**MRS. GUPTY:** (_now really nervous_) Please, children, no need to resort to **unpleasant** language.

**BRIAN:** BLEEPhole! Don't call me a BLEEPhole you BLEEPing **BLEEP**!!

(_Erin bursts into tears._)

**OTHER GUESTS:** Ohhhhhhhhhh!

**WOMAN GUEST:** You don't have to take that from 'im, **girlfriend**!

**MR. GUPTY:** (_distressed_) We need a commercial!

**MRS. GUPTY:** But this is **public** access television, Lester.

(_Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane. We hear the pounding again._)

**HELEN:** (_irritated_) Well I guess if no one **else** is going to answer the door, then **I'll** have to.

**QUINN:** (_absently_) Have fun, Mom.

(Helen stands up and walks away. Resume shot of the T.V., where we see that Erin and Brian are out of their chairs and are practically in each other's faces. Erin is openly crying.)

**ERIN:** Y' know these past few months, I kept wondering if things really **had** changed between us. Now I know they HAVEN'T!

**MR. GUPTY:** Oh God... oh God...

(He bursts into tears. Mrs. Gupty leans over and comforts him. Cut to shot of Helen at the front door. She opens it, and who do we see but **Erin**. She stands there for a few seconds, looking dejected, before hurling herself at Helen and overwhelming her with an embrace. Resume shot of the T.V.)

**BRIAN:** Yeah, well all this time, **I've** been sick and tired of your **yacking**! Yack-yack-yack-yack --

**ERIN:** Well you won't have to listen to me **yacking**, anymore!

**BRIAN:** **YACK**!

(_Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Jake._)

**JAKE:** That doesn't sound too good.

**DARIA:** Nope.

(_Resume shot of the T.V._)

**ERIN:** I'm **leaving**, you BLEEP!

**BRIAN:** Oh yeah?? Well **BLEEP** you!

(_Now both of the Guptys are crying._)

(Resume shot of Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Jake. We hear Helen clearing her throat off screen. They turn and see Helen coming toward them, leading Erin, whose face has puckered up at the sight of this last explosion.)

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 3 (_the kitchen, a short time later_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Erin sitting at the table, her eyes swollen from crying, bearing little of the "attractiveness" Helen, Quinn, and the rest were talking about earlier. She gasps, hiccups, and sobs, gasps, hiccups, sobs. Cut to wider shot. Helen, Jake, and Daria are standing around her. [Jane's gone home -- she took Erin's entrance as her cue to exit, with the promise that Daria would fill her in on **all** the details later.])

**JAKE:** (_hushed. to Daria_) Geez, I didn't realize it was tape-delayed.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) You thought the censors just had really quick trigger fingers?

(_Quinn comes over to the table, holding a steaming mug._)

**QUINN:** Here's your cocoa, Erin. (_sets it down._)

**ERIN:** Th-tha-tha-nk-k-k-k-k...

**QUINN:** Um, you're welcome.

(_Helen puts a hand on Erin's shoulder._)

**HELEN:** Now, sweetie, everything's going to be **all** right. You're with your loved ones, now.

**JAKE:** Yeah, you'll never have to go near that **bastard** ever again!

(At the word "bastard," Erin bursts into tears and starts crying even harder. Quinn rolls her eyes. Helen glances at Jake with a weary "We'll have to proceed with caution" expression, and keeps patting Erin's shoulder. Finally Erin takes a deep breath, gets a partial hold on herself.)

**ERIN:** I r-r-really th-thought he was the **one**, Aunt Helen.

**HELEN:** Oh sweetie, we **all** did.

(As she says this, she desperately tries to keep the corners of her mouth from twitching. Daria can't conceal a smirk. Luckily Erin doesn't notice.)

**ERIN:** Wh-why do these things **happen** to me?? Here I am, an attractive and fun person wh-who's good in bed, a-and I end up with these **jerks**!

**HELEN:** I know, honey, I know... I know you mean well. It's not **your** fault your mother's served as your primary role model.

**DARIA:** So much for sibling loyalty.

**HELEN:** She's **always** thought that the best way to behave is to let a **man** tell her what to do, when **nothing** could be further from the truth. Right, Jake?

**JAKE:** You bet, sweetheart!

**ERIN:** I l-loved Brian, Aunt Helen, b-but now... I don't know, all I want to do is find a really n-**nice** guy.

**HELEN:** And you **will**. Or at the **very** least, you'll show Brian that you're someone **worth** appreciating. All you need to do is **boost** your self-esteem.

**ERIN:** Boost my self-esteem? But how?

**HELEN:** Oh, it's **really** not so difficult.

**ERIN:** Could you teach me??

**HELEN:** Teach you? Well I --

**ERIN:** Please? You're **always** so good with being assertive.

**HELEN:** Awww, that's **very** sweet --

**ERIN:** And don't tell Mom I said this... (_looks down modestly._) but I've always kind of looked up to you. I only hope my life turns out **half** as well as yours has.

**HELEN:** Aww... (_Bt_) Well in **that** case, I'd be happy to teach you. Stay here as **long** as you need to, sweetheart.

**JAKE:** Yeah, hon. Let ol' Uncle Jake set up the guest room for you!

(_Daria and Quinn eye each other warily._)

**QUINN:** Um, just remember that it has its **own** bathroom, so there's no point in hog-- um, sharing one with me an' Daria.

**ERIN:** (_brightening_) Thanks, you guys -- this is so **great** of you! (_to Daria and Quinn._) And I'm gonna **love** spending time with you two. We'll be just like **sisters**!

**QUINN:** (_flatly_) Great.

**DARIA:** I'm having fun already.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Morgendorffer house, noon on a weekend, a few days later_)

(_Shot of the outside._)

**JANE:** (_off screen voice-over_) So? How're things with Barbie? Has Ken come crawling back to her yet?

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting at the kitchen table with the cordless phone against her ear. Split screen to show Jane on the other end.)

**DARIA:** Nope. But at least she stopped crying about it -- for now.

**JANE:** (_faux maternal tone_) Poor thing.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Oh yeah, I feel **real** sorry for Erin. She's living in our house **expense free** until my mom can find the time to talk to her, which should be never.

**JANE:** Naturally.

**DARIA:** She's got the good looks and personality to attract any **number** of guys -- and to shed them like last season's designer outfits. Which she probably does.

**JANE:** No doubt.

**DARIA:** She may be crying now, but come next week, she'll have long forgotten Brian. People like her bounce right back from these types of problems. (_grim._) Relationships come so easy to them, they don't appreciate their value.

**JANE:** (_also grim_) Yeah.

**DARIA:** Erin's already recovered enough to go on **three** shopping sprees with Quinn to buy a new wardrobe.

**JANE:** Did you say "with **Quinn**"??

**DARIA:** (_rolling her eyes_) Yes. They've been trading beauty secrets, shopping strategies, gossip, you name it. You know I thought I'd reached my limit having to put up with **one** spoiled, self-absorbed "cousin" in my house, let alone **two**.

**JANE:** Aww, poor amiga. Well at least you'll get sprung from the joint for a little while today.

**DARIA:** I'll be over just as soon as I convince my mom to give up the car.

(Cut to full screen. We see Quinn waltz into the room, still dressed in her pajamas. She slides into a chair next to Daria.)

**DARIA:** (_to Jane_) I'll see ya.

**JANE:** Later.

(Daria hangs up. As soon as she sets the phone on the table, Quinn instinctively grabs it and holds it protectively.)

**DARIA:** Calling to make a playdate with your fashion cronies?

**QUINN:** (_chipper_) Erin said she might teach us how to find the perfect smudge-proof mascara today.

**DARIA:** Sounds riveting.

**QUINN:** Y' know I was kind of **jealous** of Erin at first, but these past few days've taught me how **cool** she can be. I've already learned **so** much from her. She's kind of like the sister I **wish** I had.

**DARIA:** (_sarcastic_) Aw, thaaanks.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** (_realizing that last bit sounded mean_) Um, not that **you're** so bad, or anything.

**DARIA:** Forget it. (_Bt_) Come to think of it, this quality time with Erin hasn't given you much time to **study**, has it? Since she arrived, I haven't seen you crack a book.

**QUINN:** (_frowning_) There's **more** to my life than studying, Daria. (Just then, her face lights up as she sees Erin come in. She holds out her hand.) Hey, Erin!

**ERIN:** (_chipper_) Hey, girlfriend! Ooh, **love** the shade of your nail polish.

**QUINN:** **Thanks**. I figured pink lemonade brought out my skin tone better than tangerine.

**ERIN:** Good call! You have such great nail polish instincts. I'll have to try that one sometime.

**QUINN:** **Thanks**!

**DARIA:** (_to Erin_) And hi to you.

**ERIN:** Oh -- hey, Daria! Sorry I didn't say something earlier.

**DARIA:** (_imitating Erin's tone_) No biggie. (_Bt_) Oh by the way, another swarm of mostly **male** viewers of the Guptys' show called to give you their support, and said that they'd like to share your pain.

**ERIN:** How sweet! Um, I don't suppose Brian called, did he?

**DARIA:** No.

**ERIN:** Oh. (_face falls slightly._) So... did any of the other people say what they looked like?

**DARIA:** (_slightly annoyed_) I didn't have time to establish a rating system.

**ERIN:** No, it's just --

(Just then Helen comes in, dressed casually and carrying several heavy files. She looks at them and gets an indulgent expression on her face.)

**HELEN:** Ohhhh... it's **so** nice to see you three getting along.

**ERIN:** Hi, Aunt Helen! (reaches over to hug her, but pulls back when she sees Helen's too loaded down.)

**HELEN:** Erin, sweetheart, I'm afraid I'm going to have to postpone our meeting to discuss bolstering your self-esteem -- I've got **so** much to do today.

**ERIN:** No problem. In that case, could I borrow your car for the afternoon?

**HELEN:** Well... I don't see why n--

**DARIA:** Um, actually, **I** was going to ask if **I** could borrow it. Jane and I are going to an arts and crafts fair in Scarsborough.

**ERIN:** I could drive you there... wherever it is.

**DARIA:** (_resistant_) Where's **your** car?

**ERIN:** Brian has it. (_starts to get a desolate look on her face._) I had to take the **bus** here.

**HELEN:** (_groaning_) If Jake didn't have a golf game...

(At the mention of Brian, Erin's lips have begun to quiver, and whimpers threaten to spill out of her mouth. Quinn and Daria get wary expressions. Helen looks at Daria with an exasperated "Do you want us to go through this **again**??" Daria sighs, concedes.)

**DARIA:** All **right**. She can drive me to Scarsborough.

**HELEN:** Wonderful -- now **everyone** will be happy. Don't tell your mother I don't look after you, Erin honey.

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 5 (_drivin' around_)

(Shot of the SUV driving along a residential street. Cut to frontal shot of Erin and Daria. Erin is singing along to Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me," and she actually sounds pretty good. Daria seems to think so -- as unenthusiastic as she is to be alone with her cousin, she can't help but cock an eyelid with mild astonishment.)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Your Grammy will arrive in eight to ten business days.

**ERIN:** Huh?

**DARIA:** Nothing.

(She fiddles with the channels on the radio until we hear "With Them Bones" by Alice in Chains. She and Erin drive along for several more seconds, not speaking, until: )

**ERIN:** Y' know Daria, me driving you to Scarsborough will give us a chance to talk and, like, get to know each other better.

**DARIA:** Get to know each other. Right. (_Bt_) Um, this is **not** the way to my friend's house.

**ERIN:** Oh we'll get there eventually. (_Bt_) So... do you... have a boyfriend?

**DARIA:** Why yes. He's a wealthy foreign exchange student from Italy. Next winter he plans to fly me out to Naples in his private jet so we can exchange wedding vows.

**ERIN:** **Wow**, really?? (_Pause_) Wait... you're being sarcastic, aren't you?

**DARIA:** 'Fraid so. People like me don't have boyfriends. We get laughed at by the girls that do.

**ERIN:** Oh... that's too bad. (_Bt. slightly awkward smile._) But it must be neat being a **brain**, right? You **are** a brain, aren't you? That's what Mom and Grandma said.

**DARIA:** Yes, I've been told I fit that description. And aside from daily humiliation and some healthy loathing of my fellow human beings, there's not much I can tell you about it.

**ERIN:** Oh.

(Cut to shot of the outside. Erin pulls the SUV into a gas station. Resume inside shot.)

**DARIA:** (_frowning_) Why are we stopping here? The tank is full.

**ERIN:** I know. But I think I may've left my sunglasses here when I stopped to get gas.

**DARIA:** But I thought you --

**ERIN:** Would you mind waiting here for a few minutes? (_turns off the engine, jumps out of the SUV._)

(Fade-out. fade-in to an outside shot of the SUV, sometime later. We see Daria sitting in the front seat with her arms folded, looking as impatient and irritated as she possibly could. Several minutes have passed since Erin disappeared into the gas station store. She checks her watch. Suddenly, from off screen: )

**BOY:** Hey, it's **you**!

**GIRL:** You made our mommy and daddy **cry**!!

**BOY:** And you made them lose valuable **endorsements**!

**GIRL:** Take **that**, you big meany!

(_Beat_)

**ERIN:** **Aghhh**!

(Daria turns and sees Erin rushing toward the car, Tad and Tricia Gupty pursuing her with water guns. She can't help but smirk as her cousin hops into the SUV, one side of her body dripping wet, and quickly puts the key in the ignition.)

**ERIN:** (_gasping_) Ugh, let's get out of here!

(_They speed away onto the street._)

**DARIA:** So, did you find your sunglasses?

**ERIN:** Um... no. (_gets an uneasy expression._)

**DARIA:** Somehow I suspected you wouldn't. (_Bt_) Why would you forget your sunglasses after pumping gas when you supposedly took the **bus** to get to our house?

(_Beat_)

**ERIN:** (_wilting a little_) Oh... I did say that, didn't I?

**DARIA:** Yep. Either you have a really bad memory, or something's up. (_Bt_) In fact, it sort of brings to light this question I've had since you arrived -- why are you staying with us?

**ERIN:** Huh? I told you --

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) Why are you **really** staying with us? Your **mom** would've treated you better than **we** could, and with a little arm-twisting, you could've talked Grandma into buying you a car.

**ERIN:** Oh, I couldn't ask her to buy me **another** one... (_glances at Daria. sighs._) All right, all right, I'll confess. I **did** take the bus to get to your house, that's the truth. But... I didn't decide to stay with you just because I totally admire your mom.

**DARIA:** Well duh. From the moment the words flew from your mouth I knew they were as phony as your press-on eyelashes.

**ERIN:** Oh. (_Bt. insistent_) But the reason I'm here **does** have to do with that gas station. You see, it started when I was on the bus, and I was upset and depressed and wanting to go home to Mother, when suddenly I realized: hey, now I'll finally have the chance to **see** him again!

**DARIA:** Him **who**?

**ERIN:** This guy I met at the gas station. Back when your parents were separated, Brian and I stopped there to fill up his car, and...

(Fade-out. fade-in to a flashback. We see Erin standing next to Brian's Range Rover, looking really ticked-off -- she and Brian have been fighting. Her gaze trails off sideways.)

**ERIN:** (_off screen voice-over from the present_) I was just standing there, when out of the corner of my eye, I see the guy come toward me...

(Pan over to where he is. The screen is hazy, so it's difficult to tell what he looks like, but there's something **familiar** about his outline.)

**ERIN:** (_off screen voice-over_) And he says to me --

**GUY:** (_echoing... yet familiar_) Hey, you might want to put on a jacket, or something. It's cold.

**ERIN:** Thanks.

**GUY:** Mmmmm...

**ERIN:** (_off screen voice-over_) I was going to say more, but then Brian got finished pumping gas and we started arguing again. The next time I turned around, the guy was gone.

**DARIA:** (_off screen voice-over_) Back to the sunset whence he'd come.

(_Cut to shot of them in the present._)

**DARIA:** (_with some disbelief_) So you actually remember someone **that** vividly with whom you exchanged maybe two words?

**ERIN:** Yeah. I mean, in that one minute, he showed more concern for me than Brian did the **entire** time we've been married. (_Bt_) Besides, he was **hot**.

**DARIA:** I see. (her tone is quite skeptical, but the look on her face shows grudging, **very** grudging, respect.) And you visited the gas station with the hope that you might, by chance, run into him again?

**ERIN:** Or else maybe find out some stuff about him, like where he lived. (_sighs._) I was gonna drive around town looking for him -- that's why I wanted the car.

**DARIA:** Uh-huh...

**ERIN:** Guess that was kind of a stupid idea, wasn't it?

**DARIA:** You could've waited until **after** you'd driven my friend and me to Scarsborough.

**ERIN:** Oh... yeah. I'm sorry -- I guess I just wasn't thinking. It's hard, you know, when you think you've found someone to care about. And you want more than anything to hold on to that person and form a life with him and love him and have him love you -- y' know what I mean?

(Pause. Daria gets a skeptical look on her face and prepares a mocking response. But then, slowly, her expression changes to reflective.)

**DARIA:** (_mumbling_) I'd like to.

**ERIN:** But geez, I guess it's hopeless. I'll just drive back to your house and drop myself off. You can have the car.

(Cut to shot of the outside. The SUV makes a sharp turn onto another residential street. Resume inside shot.)

**DARIA:** Okay. But I wouldn't give up just yet, if I were you. What did the guy look like? Did he give you a name?

**ERIN:** No... but let me see. He was tall... dark... sexy.

**DARIA:** Which narrows you down to about five people in Lawndale. And one of them goes to high school. Try being more specific.

**ERIN:** He... um... had this **wild** hair... and a goatee... **Oh**, and he was carrying a guitar. Can't believe I forgot that one!

(Pause. Daria gets a stunned expression on her face, as who Erin's talking about sinks in.)

**DARIA:** Uh-huh. (_Bt_) Um, I wouldn't worry if I were you. Your knight in shining armor should appear before **too** long.

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 6 (_Morgendorffer house, a short time later_)

(Shot of the outside. We see the SUV in the driveway. Erin has just gotten out, and Daria has slid into the driver's seat. Just then, from the left, we see a familiar car drive up and stop next to the curb. Jane pokes her head through the front passenger window.)

**JANE:** (_to Daria_) **There** you are. Didn't know if you had the car, so I roped Trent into giving us a lift to Scarsborough.

(_Now Trent leans his head toward the window._)

**TRENT:** (_smiling his crooked smile_) Hey, Daria.

(Erin has been moving toward the house, when the sound of Trent's voice causes her to stop. She turns around, looks at him.)

**TRENT:** (_seeing her_) Heyyyyy.

**END OF ACT ONE**

[Shot of Erin and Brian shouting at each other on the T.V.]

You are now entering commercial **HELL**. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

  * "Next Friday, on the Ten Spot: When Jodie becomes the victim of racist remarks, someone familiar to us gets accused of being the perpetrator. And Lawndale High tries to come up with ways to promote diversity. Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"

* **SEE** "The Blair Witch Project"!!! **OWN** "The Blair Witch Project"!!! No thanks -- if I wanted to see and own something that was **overrated**, did **not** stir up my emotions, and left me **sea-sick**, I'd've bought "Titanic."

* Clinton and school violence: Have you seen the commercial where they have all the little kids share disturbing experiences with school violence, then Clinton comes on in the end, urging parents to talk to their kids? I don't know why, but for some reason, when I see politicians come on TV claiming they're in touch with the concerns of America's youth, it just makes me think of how **out** of touch they are...

You are now leaving commercial **HELL**. Aren't you happy you survived?

## 

ERIN THE HEAD

* * *

**ACT TWO**

SCENE 1 (_Jane's house, later that day_)

(_Shot of the outside._)

**JANE:** (_off screen voice-over_) **Boy**, that was a close one.

(Cut to shot of her and Daria in her room, looking wood carvings, engravings, and other purchases from the arts and crafts fair.)

**DARIA:** What was?

**JANE:** That encounter between Trent and your **cousin** earlier today. Didn't you see the way she was totally putting the moves on him??

**DARIA:** I believe they exchanged dialogue, yes.

(Fade-out. fade-in to flashback. Trent and Jane have gotten out of the car and are standing across from Daria and Erin.)

**ERIN:** So you're a musician?

**TRENT:** Uh-huh. I play in a band called Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking about changing our name.

**ERIN:** That's nice.

**TRENT:** We've been wanting to do it for a **long** time.

**ERIN:** Cool. (_Bt_) So've you ever thought of changing it to something like "Electric Sunrise"?

**TRENT:** (_mulling it over_) "Electric Sunrise"? Could be cool.

**ERIN:** I've always **wanted** to name something "Electric Sunrise," but I didn't know what. (_giggles a little._)

**TRENT:** I know what you mean. I've always wanted to name something "Frozen Caterpillar," but I didn't know what.

**ERIN:** Neat.

**JANE:** (_off screen voice-over from the present_) I did **not** like where this **obviously** sexually-charged conversation was going.

**DARIA:** (_off screen voice-over from the present_) You got "sexual charge" out of it?

(_In the flashback, Daria stifles a yawn. Jane steps forward._)

**JANE:** But Trent, doesn't "Electric Sunrise" sound like a name that one of your **ex**-girlfriends toward whom you harbor bitter feelings -- like Denise or Monique -- would've chosen? [*] see "'Shipped Out," "Lane Miserables"

**TRENT:** Hmmm... I never really thought about it.

**JANE:** (_off screen voice-over. triumphant_) I saved your ass **right** then and there.

**DARIA:** (_off screen voice-over_) How so?

**ERIN:** Oh... I wouldn't want to give you a name that would cause bad memories.

(_Cut back to present shot of Daria and Jane._)

**JANE:** How?? The conversation broke up soon after, Trent got into his car and drove home, and he's still **yours** for the taking. It's a good thing your cousin's so shallow, or else Trent would have sounded a **whole** lot more interesting.

**DARIA:** Um yeah... shallow. (_gets a slightly uncomfortable look on her face._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_Morgendorffer house, at that same time_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Erin in the kitchen with the cordless phone at her ear.)

**ERIN:** Hey... Mom?

(Cut to split screen. It's not Rita, but Jimmy from "None in the Family, Part One" who's at the other end. He's sitting up in bed, his upper torso bare. He looks his usual scraggly and apathetic self.)

**ERIN:** Mom? Is that you?

(_Pause. Then Jimmy groans._)

**JIMMY:** Do I **sound** like your mother??

**ERIN:** (_annoyed_) Could you put her on the phone, **please**?

(Jimmy groans again and lazily hands the phone to Rita -- pan over to show only her. She is also sitting up in bed, her exposed parts bare.)

**RITA:** (_to Erin. concerned_) Baby, is that you?

**ERIN:** Uh-huh. (_wrinkles her nose._) Ugh, Mother **why** did you get back together with Jimmy?? He's such a boring do-nothing, no-talent **slob**.

(_Beat_)

**RITA:** (_surprised_) But he's cute.

**ERIN:** Whatever. I just called to tell you I'm doing okay. (_giggles a little._) **Better** than okay, actually -- wonderful! Today's the day I went the longest without thinking of Brian. A whole **two** hours!

**RITA:** Oh... that **is** wonderful news! Well I **only** hope that pathetic jerk is making the phone ring off the hook because he wants you back so badly. Well **don't** forgive him, baby.

**ERIN:** (_paling... realizing the phone's been quiet_) Um... well... uh, I won't.

**RITA:** Now have your Aunt Helen and Uncle Jake been treating you well? (_voice takes on a slightly hurt tone._) You know, baby, you didn't **have** to stay with them -- Mama would've been **more** than happy to take you in and help you through your ordeal.

**ERIN:** Oh, um, that's really sweet of you, and I was actually thinking of doing that, but Aunt Helen --

**RITA:** (_bristling_) Oh, let me guess. She probably **twisted** your arm and **pressured** you with her incessant **talking** until you had no choice but to say "yes," right??

**ERIN:** Um... right.

**RITA:** That is **so** typical of her.

**ERIN:** And I couldn't leave now. I'd feel guilty.

**RITA:** That's too bad. We could've been gal pals and gone out cruising for guys every night.

**ERIN:** (_"Ugh... '**gal** pals' with Mom??"_) Actually, no offense, but --

**RITA:** We could've found you someone better. You know, baby, I didn't want to say it, but Brian always reminded me too much of your father.

**ERIN:** (_sighing_) Oh Mom, do we **have** to talk about Dad again?

**RITA:** Well I'm sorry, I **can't** help it. That **bastard** -- I can't **believe** he just abandoned us the way he did --!

**ERIN:** (_quickly_) But that was fifteen years ago, and you've done a **great** job bringing me up, believe me.

**RITA:** (_more sober_) I hope so.

**ERIN:** Anyway, I met a really great guy today who's nothing **like** Dad. And (_giggles_) he asked me out!

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Daria's room, that evening_)

(_Close-up of Daria._)

**DARIA:** He **what**?

**ERIN:** Trent asked me out!

**DARIA:** How? We saw him leave before --

**ERIN:** I know, I know -- but after you guys'd left, he came back. Said he'd forgotten to give your friend something. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to go watch him play at this **club**, whatever it's called...

**DARIA:** The Zen?

**ERIN:** Yes!

**DARIA:** He asks everyone that.

**ERIN:** (_enthusiasm fading a little_) Oh. (_Bt_) But at least it's great he **asked** me, 'cause I'll get to see him again.

**DARIA:** Uh-huh.

**ERIN:** And he's **just** the way I remember him -- really nice, really considerate, hotter than hell. (_giggles a little._) He's got this really cool smile that has "sensitive" written all over it. I know I could be **so** happy with him.

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) Oh really?

**ERIN:** Yeah, I can just see it -- he'd travel on the road with his band and play his crybaby music, and I'd be the supportive girlfriend who he'd dedicate songs to.

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) I don't suppose you had these pie-in-the-sky fantasies when you were dating **Brian**, did you?

(_Pause_)

**ERIN:** Well... (_slightly defensive._) maybe I did. But so what? Just because I have the same fantasies doesn't mean they're the same guy.

**DARIA:** True... but allow me to throw a wrench of caution into your schemes. (_Bt_) Trent sleeps fourteen hours a day.

**ERIN:** I could live with that. (_Bt_) Besides, he won't be that way forever, right?

(_Daria shrugs cryptically._)

**DARIA:** He speaks in monosyllables.

**ERIN:** I like quiet men.

**DARIA:** He never changes his clothes. His personal hygiene is highly questionable.

**ERIN:** So? I could change that.

**DARIA:** So you say. And most of all, he's not exactly known for being considerate of his girlfriends.

**ERIN:** That's just because he hasn't found the right one yet. But I just know that once we get together, he'll be a **whole** different guy.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** You seem very confident. What makes you so sure Trent is going to change -- or that **you** could change him? Especially when you just confessed that he's the ideal guy for you right **now**, the way he is?

**ERIN:** Oh, I don't mean that by "different guy," he'd **stop** being nice and considerate. I would just iron out the rough spots on him, so that the **rest** of him was just as good. I mean, that's what they call the "power of love," right?? The way you can transform someone into something else?

(Pause. Daria pales a little and averts her eyes. She appears to be pondering something.)

**ERIN:** Daria?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Um...thanks for telling me. I wish you good luck on the journey to your new life.

**ERIN:** Um actually... (_makes a move to sit on the bed, after looking at it with some trepidation._) I also sort of wanted to ask you a favor.

**DARIA:** (_wary_) What?

**ERIN:** (_hesitant_) Well... even though I know Trent and I will be together eventually, he only seems to think of me as a friend, now. I thought... since you know him, maybe you could tell me some stuff about him, ways I can get his attention.

(_Pause. Again, Daria wears an uneasy, thoughtful expression._)

**ERIN:** (_more urgent_) Please, Daria?? It would really mean a lot to me, and I'd pay you back if you wanted. (_Bt_) I could take you and your friend shopping for a new wardrobe, or (_looks uneasily at the padded walls and bones._) give you... some decorating tips.

(_long Pause. Daria still looks thoughtful. Then slowly, she nods._)

**DARIA:** You're so set on having him, how can I refuse? I'll help you.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Pizza King, the next afternoon_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside, where Daria, Jane, and Tom are sharing a booth. Jane and Tom are finishing off a large pie, while Daria is bent over a notepad, scribbling. Tom peers over, then eyes Jane mischievously.)

**TOM:** Should we ask her what she's writing?

JANE (_also mischievous_) **Again**? But wouldn't that be **invasive** of us?

**TOM:** Yeah -- it would definitely be disrespecting her privacy.

**DARIA:** (_annoyed_) Since when has **that** ever stopped you?

(She groans, sits up, and pushes the notepad toward them. Jane and Tom examine it with interest.)

**TOM:** Ooh-la-la... intense. "Look at the way/ They're tearing up the streets/ Look out -- they're turning on their own..."

**JANE:** (_delighted_) Methinks these are song lyrics. (_Bt_) You plan on giving them to Trent?

**DARIA:** (_clipped_) Yep.

**TOM:** Great -- Mystik Spiral could use some new songs. "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire"'s been played to death.

**JANE:** The man'll be putty in your hands.

**DARIA:** The lyrics aren't from me. They're from Erin.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** (_confused_) Erin??

**TOM:** Who's Erin?

**JANE:** Daria's ditzy cousin. (_Bt_) Daria, **why** are you giving these to her?? These are **good** lyrics.

**DARIA:** So?

**JANE:** So if you don't want her to win Trent over, shouldn't you at least be writing **skanky** lyrics for her?

**DARIA:** I doubt Mystik Spiral would know the difference.

**JANE:** True. (_Pause. raises a brow._) Okay Daria, what's up?

(awkward Pause. Daria averts her eyes, then lets them drift toward Tom, who gets the idea.)

**TOM:** (_faux anxious_) Oh my -- look at the time! I **really** gotta get to... wherever I have to go.

(He jumps up and gives Jane a peck on the lips, which she seems to appreciate, but which makes Daria blush with discomfort.)

**TOM:** See ya, Daria.

**DARIA:** (_half-hearted_) Bye.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** Okay, now that we're alone. Daria, if **you** like Trent, why are you doing your best to set him up with your cousin? Even for you, that's twisted.

**DARIA:** I just... felt sorry for her, that's all.

**JANE:** Yes, it's true -- the poor gal's been jilted. But still, for you to be **this** generous to her, after the way you talked about her yesterday morning, seems very, very strange.

**DARIA:** (_frowning. defensive_) **Why**?? That was before she started telling me about how important it was to find the right guy and have a fulfilling relationship. For once, I actually felt like we saw eye-to-eye on something. (_Bt. blushes a little._) I... would like that, too.

**JANE:** Well **great**, that makes two of us. But still, I don't know if I completely buy your excuse. There's gotta be something more... (_Pause. looks closely at Daria._) **Wait** a minute... (_smirks wickedly._) Daria, you wouldn't by chance be **using** Erin's relationship with Trent as some kind of **vicarious** experiment, would you??

(_Daria averts her eyes, a guilty expression flickering across her face._)

**DARIA:** (_feigning innocence... badly_) Um, I... don't know what you're...

**JANE:** (_satisfied_) Ah-**ha** -- just as I suspected. You're afraid if **you** told Trent your feelings about him, he'd reject you. But because Erin's pretty, there's no **way** he'd reject her, especially after you write her these great song lyrics. So they start to date, and you live vicariously through her experiences, without feeling pain and humiliation. Splendid work, Cyrano.

(_Beat. Daria's frown deepens._)

**DARIA:** (_sarcastic_) Thank you, Dr. Ruth. Though **actually**, my plan is to watch Erin interact with Trent and find out whether it's really true that love is a **transforming** experience.

**JANE:** A **what**?

**DARIA:** (_reddening_) Whether... you become a different person through loving someone. Whether it makes you deeper... or better... or just **not** who you are now.

**JANE:** (_raising a brow_) Hmm, sounds like some pretty heady stuff. What made you think of it, all of a sudden?

**DARIA:** (_reddening even more_) It wasn't so "all of a sudden." When I looked through Amy's photos for the first time, the question just popped into my head. It's stayed with me on and off these past two weeks, until my talk with Erin last night **really** got me thinking about it.

**JANE:** Hmm... okay. But don't you think you could solve the mystery without **risking** your prospects with Trent? If you're so scared of getting rejected, you could at least **ask** someone with experience. Like Amy -- since her photos were the ones that started it all.

(_Daria looks down, clearly uncomfortable._)

**DARIA:** (_with unusual fierceness_) I don't **want** to ask Amy. (_Pause_) If I do, I might find out that love **changes** you, all right, but not for the better.

**JANE:** What d' you mean?

(Daria reaches over into her backpack and retrieves a few folded up e-mails, which she hands to Jane. Jane looks them over, smirks, then bursts into chuckles.)

**DARIA:** (_making a sour face_) Could she sound any **sweeter**??

**JANE:** Hmm-hmm, I'd say she sounds slightly less cynical. (_Bt_) If I had to wager, I'd guess she and her beau are enjoying a second honeymoon period, and that she'll be back to **crusty** self before too long.

**DARIA:** (_slightly subdued_) And what if she's not? If you thought those e-mails were as sweet as it gets, then you haven't listened to her new answering machine recording. (_shudders a little._)

**JANE:** (_taking Daria's concern with a grain of salt_) Like candy corn covered in maple syrup, eh? Okay, so fine: you don't want to talk to Amy. So then why don't you just talk to **me**?

**DARIA:** You've only just started to date Tom.

**JANE:** (_rolling her eyes_) Well **Erin** would've just started to date Trent, so what's the difference??

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_with extreme reluctance_) Fine. (_Bt_) Do you feel like a different person since you started dating?

**JANE:** Geez, who can say? I guess I feel a wee bit less jaded about our whole high school situation. Like, since I've got a boyfriend who's older and more mature, it's easier for me to ignore the jerks who make fun of us in class. Sort of.

**DARIA:** (_mulling it over_) So you feel more validated at school... hmm...

(_Pause_)

**JANE:** (_gently sardonic_) Y' know, I think the easiest way to answer your question would be if you went through the pratfalls of love on your **own**.

**DARIA:** There's a time and a place for that. Way off in the future.

**JANE:** Okay. (_Bt. irritation creeping in._) So in the meantime, you have absolutely **no** problem at all with setting my brother up with your **cousin**.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) I don't see why **you're** so bothered by it. You said you wanted to be a part of the Barksdale family.

**JANE:** (_rolling her eyes_) I **meant** through painful and twisted upbringing, **not** (_cringes a little._) as a **girlfriend-in-law**. I mean this girl's on the rebound from her marriage and looks as though she could just **dump** Trent the minute she lays her eyes on the first hunky, dull-witted --

**DARIA:** (_defensive_) Hey, Erin's not **that** bad. (_Bt_) She's even kind of nice... in a dopey sort of way. Besides, who says Trent deserves any **better**?

(_Pause. Jane frowns._)

**DARIA:** That came out wrong. (_Bt_) What I meant is that however this shakes up, Trent winds up with someone who appreciates him.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** (_sighing_) If you say so.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_Morgendorffer house, next afternoon_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the living room. Daria's lying flat on her back on the center couch, her head turned toward the T.V. She's got a reflective look on her face, and is oblivious to what's on.)

**SSW ANNOUNCER:** (_off screen_) Meet **immigrants** who said they married American women for **love** -- then sold them into sexual slavery! America or Busts neeeeeext on "Sick Sad World."

(We hear the front door click open and see Erin, Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy come on screen in the background. None of them notice Daria's presence. Cut to close-up of them.)

**ERIN:** ... And so **that's** how our fashion club saved the school from the evil **Seventies** revival!

**QUINN/TIFFANY/STACY:** Oooh... ahh...

**STACY:** Wow.

**TIFFANY:** I hear they even brought back **bell** bottoms.

**ERIN:** (_shuddering_) It was just... horrible. I still get nightmares.

**QUINN:** (_dramatic_) **We** almost faced something similar at **our** school -- but we counterattacked with pamphlets to all the students which showed just how **geeky** they would look, and that pretty much snuffed out the crisis.

**ERIN:** Ooh, that was great thinking! Your fashion club must be really influential at school.

**QUINN:** Well, I don't like to **brag**, or anything, but --

**STACY:** Quinn's a really **neat** leader! She always knows just how to deal with new fashion trends.

**TIFFANY:** She's **way** smart about stuff.

**QUINN:** (_faux modest_) **Oh**, you guys...

**STACY:** She'd be an even **better** president if she had more time. But our stupid math teacher makes her stay after school every day and work on **dumb** homework assignments.

**ERIN:** (_to Quinn. concerned_) Really??

**QUINN:** (_suddenly hesitant_) Oh... well. I mean he doesn't **really** make me --

**STACY:** (_to Erin_) I always hear him tell Quinn: (_deepens her voice in imitation_) "Ms. Morgendorffer, you're **not** allowed to leave this room 'til you've **learned** how to do the assignment." He **never** offers to help **me** that way, and I've got a worse grade than her.

**ERIN:** Ugh, he sounds like a total **creep**. But don't let it get you down, Quinn. When I was in high school, I managed to find ways to keep school from getting in the way of stuff that was important to me.

(_Cut to close-up of Daria. She cocks an eyelid._)

**QUINN:** (_off screen_) Oh, um... I won't.

**STACY:** (_off screen_) Ooh, Erin, at the slumber party tonight, will you tell us more about how Trent kissed you and how you plan to make him over when you get together??

(At the mention of "kiss," Daria's eyes widen. Resume close-up of Erin and the F.C.)

**ERIN:** Sure!

**TIFFANY:** Cooooooool.

**STACY:** You're **so** neat, Erin. Way better than Quinn's **weird** other cousin.

**TIFFANY:** Qui-inn, when's her mom getting out of **jail**??

[*] see "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say"

**ERIN:** (_to Quinn_) Y' know, the way you've been talking about her, it sounds like your dad's side of the family is really **spooky**.

**QUINN:** Uh... **yeah**. (_chuckles nervously._) Um, let's go upstairs.

(_Tiffany and Stacy nod, and the three of them bolt on up._)

**ERIN:** (_calling after them_) I'll be with you in minute! (turns, heads toward the guest room, when she sees Daria sitting up on the couch.) Daria!

(Cut to close-up shot of her on the couch. Daria straightens up and looks at her with a deadpan expression. )

**DARIA:** So how did it --?

(_Erin hurries over to the couch and drops down beside her._)

**ERIN:** The lyrics **worked**! I went over to Trent's house today and he **loved** them. Thank you **so** much for suggesting that I sing them to him!! (_abruptly reaches over and engulfs Daria in a hug._)

**DARIA:** Mmph... mph. (_pulls back._) You sing well, so I figured --

**ERIN:** He said that they were really **deep** and they had, like, a message and everything. And they **were** deep -- they were really **great**. (_note of admiration in her voice._) I never knew you were such a good writer.

**DARIA:** (_surprised by the praise_) Oh... thanks.

**ERIN:** Then he asked me if I wanted to be a member of his **band**! He said anyone who sing the way I can **and** think deeply would **really** take it places.

**DARIA:** (_stunned_) Member of his **band**??

**ERIN:** And I said **yes**!! So now I'll get to be **with** him all the time, and he even **kissed** me! I can just **feel** him falling for me Daria, I swear!

(Pause. Daria blinks several times, trying to let all of Erin's revelations sink in. Finally she shakes her head.)

**DARIA:** Um... that's great. So this kiss... um, how did it feel when he kissed you?

**ERIN:** Wonderful! Like, I don't know, **explosions** and everything. I felt like I wanted him to kiss me **forever**.

**DARIA:** (_blushing_) Oh...

**ERIN:** Just **imagine** if he'd kissed me on the **lips**!

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** The lips?? (_Bt_) Where, exactly, **did** he kiss you?

**ERIN:** On the cheek. But that didn't matter -- I **know** the meaning of a kiss when I feel it, and there was **no** mistaking **his** meaning.

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) Oh really? (_slightly disappointed._) At the risk of raining on your parade: how do you know you're not jumping to outrageous conclusions?

**ERIN:** (_puzzled_) What d' you mean?

**DARIA:** How do you **really** know he kissed you out of infatuation? A kiss can mean many things -- friendship, respect, and in some cultures, a way of greeting. How d' you know his kiss wasn't to thank you for a job well done?

**ERIN:** Well I... I'm pretty sure he wasn't doing it for any of **those** reasons. (_Bt_) But why are you so interested, all of a sudden?

**DARIA:** Because... if you're so set on having a fulfilling relationship with this guy, you'd better make sure he feels the same way about you as you do about him. Otherwise, you're liable to build up grandiose fantasies about what your life could be like with Trent, only to watch them inevitably self-destruct when you learn that he just wants to be friends. (_Bt_) You'd be spared a lot of pain and misery if you just kept your eyes open to **reality** instead of fantasy.

(Pause. Erin gazes at Daria incredulously for a few seconds, then bursts out laughing.)

**ERIN:** Wow, you sounded so **mature** when you said that. Just like Nora.

(She hops up off the couch and dashes toward the kitchen. Daria gets up slowly and follows her.)

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) I realize rational thought's something you're not too familiar with. (_Pause_) Who's Nora? An old friend?

**ERIN:** (_looking over the fruit for something to choose_) No, she was my singing coach at Northern U.

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**ERIN:** She gave me some big lecture about how I shouldn't throw away my volleyball scholarship and give up the chance to sing, like at the university or professionally or whatever, all just because I'd met some guy. Well Brian wasn't just **some** guy! I mean he came along when I was feeling depressed and lonely and filled this **huge** void in my life. I was **so** sure it was going to work out between us, and we got **married** -- well you know, you were there -- but he wasn't **some** guy.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** So you dropped out of school because of Brian??

**ERIN:** Uh-huh. School was great and all, but being married and going to college would've been **way** too complicated, so you have to pick what's more important to you so I went with marriage, naturally.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** And your mother wasn't upset?

**ERIN:** (_nonchalant_) Oh no -- my mom's been cool with whatever I do ever since Dad left us. She knows I'll do the right thing.

**DARIA:** (_sarcastic_) Oh I'm sure. Her daughter throws away an education to become the happy homemaker. I'd be "cool" with it, too.

**ERIN:** (_missing the sarcasm_) Anyway, it's been great chatting with you, but I gotta get upstairs -- your sister will be wondering where I am.

**DARIA:** Okay, fine. But one last thing: (_cocks an eyelid_) tell me more about this singing career you might have had.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 6 (_Daria's room, later that evening_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria sitting in her room, enjoying some rare interrupted minutes on the phone [with Erin and Quinn in the house, phone time's been difficult to muster]. Jane's on the other end.)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) She said she'd won some singing contests back when she was a kid. One of them was state-wide.

**JANE:** (_from the receiver_) Impressive.

**DARIA:** It's sure as hell something my mom never told us. I doubt she wanted to revel in one of my **Aunt Rita's** successes.

(_Cut to split screen with Daria on the right, Jane on the left._)

**JANE:** Ah, sibling rivalry takes a few **more** casualties.

**DARIA:** Then in college, she had this singing coach who was connected to a couple of music producers. Told Erin that if she worked hard enough, she might break out someday.

**JANE:** Do you believe it?

**DARIA:** Who can say? But as it turned out, she never even tried. Once she met Brian, she gave up singing for good.

**JANE:** Ahh, trades her talent for an ingrate. The old story. (_Bt. turns more serious._) Y' know Daria, that reminds me: I've gotta apologize for acting a **wee** bit snobbish toward your cousin yesterday.

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) Snobbish? **You**?

**JANE:** (_rolling her eyes_) Yes, yes, sisterly protectiveness reared its ugly head. But although she may be lacking in the **mental** department, the girl **can** sing. I listened to her on some tapes that Trent made -- she even made "Ice Box Woman" sound good.

**DARIA:** And now she gets to show off her stuff in a **band**. (_makes a sour expression._) And the only thing she cares about is how it brings her closer to Trent.

**JANE:** (_a tad uneasy_) Yep. They'll be spending a **lot** of time together.

**DARIA:** I'm starting to really regret having set them up.

**JANE:** (_more uneasy_) Yeah... you should. (_Bt_) I spent some time watching Trent play the tapes. He played them over and over again... and he **really** seemed to like them, if you know what I mean.

**DARIA:** So what you're saying is...

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** If you hoped to get together with Trent... you may have missed your chance.

**END OF ACT TWO**

[Shot of Trent, Erin, Daria, and Jane in front of the Morgendorffers' house.]

You are now entering commercial **HELL**. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

  * Digimon: Good **lord**, what **is** that?! America has just learned how to accommodate the Pokémon craze, and now we have to deal with cheap knock-offs??! It may just be the straw that breaks parents', and **marketers'**, and anyone **else** who doesn't love these toys, backs...

* Those commercials where they advertise the special pillows, mattresses, etc for back, neck, and shoulder problems. Contrary to what they say, those things just look so darn **uncomfortable** to me...

* Dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.COM, dot.COM, dot.COM, dot.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM!!!!!!

Ahh, now that you've repeated it enough times, it's all out of your system. And you'll realize that far from being The Future, the online retailers usually don't offer you much more than what you could buy from a real store. Well, maybe except for the Daria books...

You are now leaving commercial **HELL**. Aren't you happy you survived?

## 

ERIN THE HEAD

* * *

**ACT THREE**

SCENE 1 (_Morgendorffer house, a short time later_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Quinn in the bathroom, looking very weary and annoyed. She's leaning on her elbows against the counter, staring at herself in the mirror.)

**QUINN:** (_to herself_) Trent-Trent-Trent **alllllllll** evening. You'd think that was, like, the **only** freaking topic in the **world** worth talking about! Well it's **getting** old so let's **drop** it for five minutes, o-kaaaay??

(_She doesn't notice that Daria's just come in to get a drink of water._)

**QUINN:** (_mimicking the others._) Oh nooo, we wanna hear about how Erin's gonna make Trent over a **million** different ways, and what their **wedding's** gonna be like an' what their **kids** will be like -- (_sees Daria._) agh!

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_smirking at her discomfort_) So Cousin Erin's getting to you, is she?

**QUINN:** Um, **no**. (_Bt. mumbles to herself._) Just the parts of her that go off on some **stupid** guy like there's **no** tomorrow.

**DARIA:** (_with some satisfaction_) Guess that means construction of the Erin Chambers Fan Club Center will be postponed indefinitely. [*] see postscript (_Points of Interest_)

**QUINN:** (_glaring at her_) Hey, I **still** think Erin's cool in every **other** way, an' I **still** wish I could be more like her.

**DARIA:** Even when she tells you to forget school and the stuff you're good at **besides** shopping and dating?

**QUINN:** Oh **God**, this is gonna turn into one of those **lectures**, isn't it? Where you, like, tell me I'm not living up to my **geek** potential??

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Bingo.

**QUINN:** Well I'm doing the best I can, **okay**?? I'm doing that stupid after-school **math** stuff, aren't I??

**DARIA:** True.

**QUINN:** **God**, whenever you bring this up, you sound just like **Mom**.

(_Daria shudders._)

**DARIA:** You just spoke the most hideous sentence in the English language. (_Bt_) Okay, I'll leave you alone. But would you promise to do me **one** favor? Remind yourself that you've got natural talent. And **keep** reminding yourself.

**QUINN:** (_annoyed_) All **right**, Mom.

(Daria smirks a wry "My work here is done," takes a swig of water, and leaves.)

(Cut to shot of the bathroom door as seen from the outside. We see Daria coming out just as Helen, as if on cue, comes rushing past. She's carrying a large, covered object.)

**HELEN:** (_rushed_) Daria, would you ask your cousin to come downstairs? Dad and I want to have a little chat with her.

**DARIA:** Sure.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_living room, a short time later_)

(Cut to shot of the couches. Jake is sitting on the right-hand couch, reading a newspaper. Helen is at work on another multimedia sculpture. We see Erin dash over to them.)

**ERIN:** Aunt Helen, you wanted to see -- **aghhhhh**! (_cringes when she lays eyes on the sculpture._)

**HELEN:** Shhh, Erin honey, it's all right.

**JAKE:** Yeah -- it's just one of your aunt's **crazy** sculptures!

(Helen turns to look at him, frowning a little at his choice of words. Meanwhile Erin nods and tries to compose herself. She timidly slides over onto the left-hand couch.)

**ERIN:** It's, um, really... **neat**, Aunt Helen. What's it supposed to be?

(_Pause. Helen looks it over, frowns, then shakes her head._)

**HELEN:** I don't know. (_Bt. cheery_) Oh, but Greg, my instructor, urged me to try more **wood** in this one, so you see how I've lined the base with bits of carving? (_taps the area to which she's referring._)

**ERIN:** (_humoring her_) Um, uh-huh.

**HELEN:** He said it was important that I **strive** to live up to my creative **potential**. And see, now, Erin sweetheart, that's **exactly** what I've been wanting to talk with you about. Which is why I decided to forego my art class and put aside the **one** evening a week that isn't work-related so we could have a serious discussion.

**ERIN:** Thanks for scheduling me in.

**HELEN:** **No** problem, hmm-hmm.

**ERIN:** But I don't think I need you to help me with my self-esteem, anymore. I met this guy who's **really** nice and treats me real well and I think he **loves** me. So I've been feeling a **whole** lot better about myself.

**JAKE:** That's **great**, honey! (_gives her a thumbs up._)

**HELEN:** Don't need help with your self-esteem?? Why that's **absurd**. (tries to keep the resentment out of her voice, but **dammit** -- she missed her art class for this!) You don't think **falling** in love with another boy is going to solve your **problems**, do you??

**ERIN:** (_surprised_) Well, I... thought that's what my problem was: that I didn't know anyone nice.

**HELEN:** (_firm_) Erin, honey, until you boost your self-esteem, you're never going to meet someone who's **really** nice. All you'll get are boys who see a pretty, naive girl whom they can take advantage of.

**ERIN:** (_looking worried_) Really?

**HELEN:** Yes, really. Nice boys want someone who's strong and confident, who shows inner **depth** and experience.

**ERIN:** Oh.

**HELEN:** But don't worry, honey, you'll get there. I've given it a **lot** of thought, and I think I know the best way for you to correct your problem.

**ERIN:** (_face brightening_) Really? What??

**HELEN:** (_briskly_) By going back to school and earning your degree. With a degree under your belt, you'll know that you're an accomplished, interesting young woman who's got a lot of **value**. And if **you** know it, the **boys** will, too. You'll be **much** more likely to attract someone who wants you for **yourself** rather than for some prehistoric **image** of what he **thinks** a woman should be.

**ERIN:** (_subdued_) Oh. (She still looks worried, and starts recalling the conversation she had with Daria earlier.) But are you **sure** nice guys won't want me unless I'm college-educated? I thought --

**HELEN:** (_raising a brow. gentle, but somewhat condescending_) Honey, think of what's happened to your mother. Or think of **Brian** -- now did **he** try to respect you for who you were?

**ERIN:** No. (_Pause_) Aw, but Aunt Helen, I don't **know**, I mean college just isn't for me --

**HELEN:** Well then think about **my** life. You said you wanted your relationship to be like mine with Uncle Jake, didn't you?

**ERIN:** (_face brightening_) Oh, definitely! I think it's **great** the way you two've managed to stay together for so many years.

**HELEN & JAKE:** (_flattered, as when Erin made a similar compliment in "NITF/1"_) Awwww...!

**ERIN:** And even when you two separated, it was only for a couple of days. (_face falls a little._) When **my** parents split up, it was, like, the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Sometimes I feel like I've spent half my **life** trying to make up for it.

**HELEN:** Well look, don't think I just **rushed** into marriage. First I went to college, where I lived on my **own**, filled my mind with all sorts of **interesting** and meaningful ideas, got **involved** --

**JAKE:** (_chuckling_) **Experimented** a little...

**HELEN:** (_chuckles uneasily_) Yes, hmm-hmmm... experimented a little. With **life**. (_frowns at Jake, before returning to Erin._) Then I paid my **own** way through law school because my **father** disapproved of my lifestyle choices... although he thought nothing of buying **Rita** a Mustang even though **her** sins were about ten times worse than any **I** --! (_catches herself just in time. chuckles again._) But anyway, through my experiences with school, I **strengthened** my character and became a far **wiser** and more thoughtful person than if I had **never** gone at all. And by the time I was ready to marry, your Uncle Jakey was waiting for me.

**JAKE:** (_beaming_) You bet I was.

**HELEN:** (_to Erin_) If it happened to me, it can **surely** happen to you. Now if you have some time, I have a few college brochures that you **may** be interested in... (_reaches down, picks up a briefcase on the floor._)

**ERIN:** But Aunt Helen, I still don't know if I need to go back to college. (_Bt_) The guy I like already thinks I have inner depth and life experience, or whatever.

(Pause. Helen sets down the briefcase and she and Jake exchange flabbergasted looks. "Erin -- inner depth??")

**JAKE:** How??

**ERIN:** (_quietly_) He, um... he thinks I can write song lyrics.

**HELEN:** He **does**?? (_Pause_) Well... how nice.

**JAKE:** Yeah, Erin, that sounds really neat.

**HELEN:** Well, it may not be college, but it's a step in the right direction, at least. As long as a man thinks you're **interesting**, he's far more likely to appreciate you into old age.

**JAKE:** Yeah, look at **us** -- I'm **still** learning new stuff about your Aunt Helen. There hasn't been **one** dull moment around here since she started her sculpting class.

**HELEN:** Yes, that's right! (_Pause. frowns_) Hmm, what exactly do you mean, Jake?

**JAKE:** Oh, nothing! (_Pause. chuckles uneasily._) I'm not saying your sculptures are **bad** -- far from it! It's just been **interesting** to watch you try to make them.

**ERIN:** Well anyway, thanks you guys. You've really... cleared up a lot of things for me.

**HELEN:** (_not hearing her. to Jake, an edge in her voice_) Sort of like it's been **interesting** to watch **your** attempts at cooking.

**JAKE:** (_getting irritated_) What d' you **mean** "attempts"??

**ERIN:** (_standing up_) Anyway, I gotta get back upstairs. I'll see you later...

(_Still frowning from anxiety, she leaves as their fight picks up._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Lane residence, afternoon, a couple of days later_)

(Shot of the outside. We hear the heavy thuds of rock music being played. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing in the basement, watching Mystik Spiral play the song Daria wrote lyrics for. Erin and Trent are singing [and if it makes no sense, that's because the song is chopped up for the sake of length!])

**ERIN & TRENT:**  
What do you do  
When the world comes **tumbling** down??  
Where do you go  
When nuh-thing's the sa-a-aame?

(_As they sing, Daria observes them, frowning mildly._)

**DARIA:** (_thought VO_) So could it be what Jane said is true? Trent's starting to go gah-gah for Erin?

(_Close-up shot of Erin and Trent from Daria's POV._)

**ERIN & TRENT:**  
Look at the way  
They're tearing up the streets.  
Look **out** --  
They're turning on their **ohhhhhhwn**...

(As Erin sings, she creeps closer and closer to Trent, until they're practically touching. Trent appears so consumed in the song, he doesn't notice. Cut to close-up of Daria.)

**DARIA:** (_thought O_) Nope.

(Resume shot from her PO. In the midst of singing, Erin turns toward Trent and makes gestures to suggest that she wants him to look at her. Trent doesn't.)

**DARIA:** (_thought O_) He's too dense to want her, and **she's** too dense to know it. They make the perfect couple, all right.

(_Cut to wide shot, showing Daria, Jane, and all of Mystik Spiral._)

**ERIN & TRENT:**  
It's too late  
To go back to be-gin-dings.  
It's too late  
To hide out from what's true.  
You already know  
You have nowhere to go.  
'Cause **no** one's gonna take good care of you.

You are alone, alone, alone  
You are **al-one**!!!! (_they bow._)

**JANE:** (_clapping_) Who-hoodoo!! **Excellent**, my friends, excellent. And for once, I'm **not** just saying that to preserve your fragile egos.

**TRENT:** (_crooked smile_) Thanks, Jane.

**MAX:** (_pumping a fist_) We're gonna ROCK at the Metreonopolis and then **BURN** the place down, maaan!!!

**JANE:** (_cocking a brow_) The **what**?

**TRENT:** The Metreonopolis is a major new club -- in the place where Cafe Lawndale used to be. (_vaguely proud._) **All** the bands in Carter County would **eat** each other for the chance to play there, but it's gonna be **us** this Friday night. (_looks at Erin, cocks a brow admiringly._) Thanks to you. [*] see postscript (_Points of Interest_)

**MAX/NICK/JESSE:** **Yeeeeeeah**! (_victory chant._) Whoo-whooo-whooo-whooo-whoooooo!!!

**NICK:** I always knew **cool** stuff would happen to us if we got a **chick** on board!

**MAX:** Hey, I knew it **first**, man!

**ERIN:** (_blushing from the praise_) Aw, **thanks**, Trent...

(_Trent smiles at her, then turns in the opposite direction to talk to Jesse._)

**TRENT:** We're gonna have to work **real** hard if we wanna be ready in a few days...

(As Trent continues to make plans, Erin gets a look of disappointment on her face that he didn't respond to her more. Then she tries to hide it. Cut to close-up of Daria watching.)

**DARIA:** (_thought VO_) I shouldn't feel sorry for her. It's her life, and her right to screw it up however she pleases. I can't protect her from the truth.

(_Cut to wider shot. Nick and Max approach Erin._)

**NICK:** A hot chick like you gives a little **class** to our act, ya know what I mean?

**MAX:** Hey **quiet**, Nicholas! **Quit** slobbering all over Erin! For someone who **thinks** he knows class, he **sure** doesn't got much **himself**. Right, Erin??

**NICK:** Shut the **hell** up, **Maxwell**!

**MAX:** Why don't you **make** me, **Nicholas**?! (_Bt_) Hey Erin, you want a guy with **real** class --

**JESSE:** (_interrupting_) Would you **children** cut it out?? It's obvious none of you could hang with Erin. (_turns to her._) If you want a **real** man, look no further than here. (_points to himself._)

**MAX & NICK:** (_outraged_) HEY!

(_Meanwhile Daria's watching and frowning darkly with envy._)

**DARIA:** (_thought VO_) Yes. **Shouldn't** feel sorry for her.

**TRENT:** **Chill**, you guys.

(Erin looks at him and gets an adoring expression once again, thinking that he's staking his own claim.)

**ERIN:** Yeah. That's really **sweet** of you three, but I'm looking for someone a little more... mellow. (_glances at Trent, who blinks sleepily._)

(_Jane rolls her eyes and leans over toward Daria._)

**JANE:** (_hushed_) So do you ever plan to tell Erin to **back** off Trent?

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) I'll get to it eventually.

(_Jane groans._)

**JANE:** Y' know, Daria, regarding your scheme to get Erin and Trent together so you can observe what it's like to be in love, there's just **one** thing I still don't get.

**DARIA:** What?

**JANE:** **Why** you think you can learn anything from **her**. I mean **look** at her, Daria -- she's nothing like you. She's a sweet, naive, **disturbingly** perky puppy dog, while you're a stoic, cold-hearted, man-eating shark.

**DARIA:** So I'm sharper-edged than she is. Even major lab experiments have **some** margin of error.

**JANE:** Well I just think you're erring **big** if you think **all** people in love act the way your cousin does. I mean she's... (_stops. looks carefully at Daria._) Unless of course you **wanted** her to act differently from you.

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) **Excuse** me?

**JANE:** Ooh, ooh... I'm getting it now. (_Bt_) If you see Erin acting all giggly and goofy around Trent, you can conclude that love turns normally **sane** people into mushy-headed fools, and therefore convince yourself **once** and **for all** that it's not worth the risk. Am I right?? (_smirks with satisfaction at Daria._)

**DARIA:** (_frowning_) Were you by chance a **radio psychologist** in a previous lifetime?

**JANE:** Daria, this is getting old. You **have** to be willing to approach Trent sometime -- at least so credit can be given where it's due. (_gestures at Trent and Erin._)

**TRENT:** (_to Erin_) Say, you think you could put together another song by tomorrow night? You, me, and the boys could try to have it down for the gig.

(Beat. Erin averts her eyes briefly, blushing a little with guilt and discomfort before responding.)

**ERIN:** Oh... sure. **Sure** I could.

**JANE:** (_loudly enough for Trent to hear_) **Gee**, Daria, didn't **you** write some lyrics just a **couple** of days ago that were **really** similar to the ones they were singing??

(Erin gets a panic-stricken look on her face. Trent eyes Daria with interest.)

**TRENT:** Wow, you did?

**JANE:** Yep. She sure did.

(Trent glances at Erin. Erin looks at Daria with a pleading, desperate expression. Daria cocks an eyelid -- she's reluctant to lie, because she senses it would do more harm than good. But one more look at her cousin's desperate face, and: )

**DARIA:** (_slowly_) No. I didn't.

(Jane frowns with exasperation. Why didn't Daria **go** with this opportunity?? Trent looks confused for a moment, but then shrugs his shoulders. Erin's face relaxes, and she laughs weakly.)

**ERIN:** Yeah... she gave me some ideas... if they seem the same th-that's why... (Pause. sees Jane's skeptical face and Daria's deadpan expression, and finally wilts.) Aw, I can't keep **lying** about this. These **are** Daria's lyrics. **She** wrote the song.

(Trent looks confused again, and turns his attention to Daria. She, herself, is stunned that Erin would risk her prospects with Trent by confessing. Finally she shrugs affirmatively.)

**TRENT:** Daria's lyrics, hmm? (_closes his eyes thoughtfully._) Hmmmm...

**ERIN:** T-Trent?

(Trent remains silent, with his eyes closed and a mild frown upon his lips. He's in a meditative trance, pondering the new turn of events, but Erin thinks that he's so angry he can't even look at her. She starts trembling a little and moves toward the basement stairs.)

**ERIN:** I-I'm sorry... I-I should really... go....

(She dashes up the stairs and is out the door before anyone can react. When she realizes what happened, Daria gets a faintly regretful look on her face. Trent opens his eyes, looks up with astonishment.)

**TRENT:** Whoa. Why'd she do that?

**NICK:** Dammit, Trent, you **scared** her away!!

**JESSE:** Maybe it's just her time of the month, or something.

**JANE:** (_also with faint regret_) Geez, I was hoping she wouldn't take it so hard.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Jane, I want you to know something. (_Bt_) I'm not interested in Trent. Nor have I been for a long time.

(Jane gazes at her for several seconds with a dumbfounded expression. Then finally she rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air.)

**JANE:** (_exasperated_) Well **now** you tell me!

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Morgendorffer house, early evening_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, having just come through the door into the living room. She walks into the center of the room and stops. Makes a motion toward the guest room, as if she's thinking of walking over to it, but then stops again. What if she finds Erin crying her eyes out?? She doesn't want to be in a position where she'd have to console her. Instead, Daria goes upstairs. fade-out.)

(Fade-in to shot of her sitting on her bed, the phone in her lap. Slowly she picks up the receiver, sees there's a dial tone. She dials Amy's number.)

**DARIA:** (_thought VO_) You're the one who started this whole thing. You're the one who can help it make sense to me.

(She waits until the phone rings four times, then rolls her eyes at what's obviously coming next -- the answering machine recording. A male voice comes on first -- Joel's. His voice is faux deep and gloomy, like a mortician's.)

**JOEL:** You have reached the residence of Amy Barksdale. Alas, poor Amy cannot take your call, for she is no longer with us. She has suffered a ghastly, **horrrrrrrific** death, and -- (_Suddenly we hear a faint sound on the recording._) **Wait**, what's that??

**FEMALE VOICE:** (_low moaning_) Ughhhhhhhh...

**JOEL:** (_faux shock_) Amy? Is that **you**??

**AMY:** UGHHHHHHHHHHH!

**DARIA:** (_thought VO_) God, you two are the worst actors to emerge since Adam Sandler hit the big screen.

**JOEL:** Good lord, she's risen from the dead! She's... she's... (_suddenly bursts into chuckles and is unable to finish his sentence._)

(_Pause_)

**AMY:** (_in her normal voice_) God dammit, you wrecked the... (_starts chuckling, too._)

(Daria rolls her eyes as the uncontrolled chuckling ends with the answering machine's beep. She starts to put the phone back on the hook, when suddenly we hear a click on the other end.)

**AMY:** (_rushed_) Hello??

(Pause. Daria lays the phone against her ear once again, shocked by the sudden response. She tries to collect her thoughts.)

**AMY:** Hel-loh-ohhh?

(Daria's about to respond, when we hear another click and the rapid pressing of buttons, accompanied by husky breathing and sniffles.)

**AMY:** Who the hell **is** this??

**ERIN:** (_from another receiver. husky_) Aunt Amy?

(_Pause_)

**AMY:** (_stunned_) Erin? (_Bt_) Oh... hi.

(Daria can't help but smirk at the discomfort Amy must be feeling. Cut to shot of Erin sitting in the Morgendorffer's kitchen, huddled over the cordless phone, her eyes bloodshot from crying. Split the screen to show Amy on the left. She's lying on her stomach on the couch, looking pretty much the way she did in "Through a Lens Darkly." As Daria anticipated, she's wearing an uncomfortable frown -- Erin's not exactly her "favorite niece.")

**ERIN:** Wow (_sniff_), I never thought I'd get a chance to hear from you.

**AMY:** (_sort of mumbling_) Yeah, well... your Aunt Helen told me you were staying here, so...

**ERIN:** I thought you hated me because I broke your Led Zeppelin records when I was three.

(_long Pause_)

**ERIN:** Aunt Amy?

(_**long** Pause_)

**AMY:** (_through clenched teeth_) Oh-ho, **no**... I'm completely over that. (_Bt_) So what's up?

**ERIN:** Oh gosh, I don't know (_sniff_). I don't know where to begin. (_heaves a sob._) I mean everything was fine -- **great** in fact -- but now I'm just getting **so** confused, and maybe you could help me 'cause I don't know who **else** I can turn to and I was gonna call one of my girl friends but I don't think **they** could help me and I already --

**AMY:** (_looking confused_) Okay, okay. Just slow down -- I can barely follow you.

**ERIN:** All right. (_big sniffle, sob._) It's just I met this g-g-guy and it s-seemed as though we were really hitting it off and he was falling in love with me --

(_Amy cocks her brow in an "Oh I'll bet" manner._)

**ERIN:** -- but he just found out that I didn't write these **song** lyrics, so now he no longer thinks I'm deep **and** he probably thinks I'm a big **liar**, too -- even though I only **wanted** to get his attention with them, I wasn't going to pass myself off as the writer forever --

**AMY:** (_gentle-firm, trying to get her to slow down_) Erin.

**ERIN:** -- and I **would've** told him sooner if Aunt Helen hadn't said that nice guys only date **deep** girls a-and this guy's so nice and I didn't want to **lose** him. (_sniffle, sob._) The only other option was if I went back to **college** like Aunt Helen suggested, but I don't think I could. I would if I were as smart as Daria -- but I'm **not**! (_big sob, starts crying harder._)

(Beat. Amy looks stunned that someone like Erin would compliment someone like Daria. Her chilliness toward her least-favorite niece thaws ever so slightly. At the same time, she's picked up a faint, suppressed gasp not coming from Erin's end. She half-smirks upon realizing that there's an eavesdropper on their conversation.)

**AMY:** Look, Erin, you have to **buck** up. You can't burst into tears every time life hands you a problem. There'll be a lot of them throughout your lifetime, so you'd better learn how to handle them.

**ERIN:** (_deep breath, sniffle_) Okay.

**AMY:** Now what is this you said about going back to college?

**ERIN:** (_sniff, sniff_) Aunt Helen said that's the only way I can become **deep** and life-experienced enough, or whatever...

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** Uh-huh. I see. (_smirks._) Hmm, sounds like another one of those times when Aunt Helen is one-third right, two-thirds **wrong**.

**ERIN:** Huh? What do you mean?

**AMY:** Just consider this my personal opinion . She's right in that most people find their soul mates when they're **mature** enough to know who suits them best -- and that maturity comes after **years** of life experience. But she's wrong to make you think the only way you can **get** that experience is to blow a hundred grand on an education.

**ERIN:** Well then how else do I get it?

**AMY:** (_suppressing a chuckle_) Try through **living**. (_Bt_) Look, thousands upon thousands of people who never went to college still became **very** wise through years of trial and error. You aren't a loser just because **you** don't want to go.

**ERIN:** (_relieved_) Th-thanks.

**AMY:** At the same time, you want my advice? (_Bt_) Try to let go of that guy you like so much.

**ERIN:** (_flabbergasted_) Let **go** of him?!

**AMY:** (_with mild exasperation_) I just mean don't be so hung-up on what he thinks of you. If you're ever going to mature as a person, you really should live on your **own** for a while. Try taking a few risks, test your personal limits, and see what happens.

**ERIN:** (_confused, slightly annoyed_) Live on my **own**?? But the whole point is that I don't **want** to be alone. I want a **boyfriend**.

**AMY:** (_rolling her eyes. frank_) Hey, listen, if you live on your own, you may find that you can actually be **happy**. Then you'll be less eager to go after **any** half-decent guy to be your boyfriend -- and be more likely to find the **right** guy.

(_Beat_)

**ERIN:** (_disbelief_) Has that ever worked?

**AMY:** I'd like to think it's working for me.

(_Beat_)

**ERIN:** I-I don't know... I'm supposed to be singing with this guy at a club on Friday.

**AMY:** (_vague interest_) Singing, eh? (_Bt_) Well then at least put the idea in the back of your mind to think about afterward.

**ERIN:** I... guess I could do that. (_Bt_) But Aunt Amy: what if this guy decides to ask me over to his house afterward to spend the night? Do you think I should??

**AMY:** (_cocking a brow with amused exasperation_) Have you even been **listening** to what I just told you?? (_Bt_) Besides, I'm not the kind of person who would endorse going home to sleep with someone you just met, especially after a few drinks. [*] see postscript (_Points of Interest_)

**ERIN:** Yeah, I didn't think you would. (_Bt_) Anyway, thanks for talking with me about this. (_Bt_) It's made me feel better... I think.

**AMY:** Good. I'll see you around then. (_cocks a brow._) And good luck.

(Erin nods, hangs up the phone, and leaves. Amy leans closer to the phone. [Assume that during their conversation, she's been shifting around on the couch, playing with her glasses, et cetera. This is a **long** phone scene.])

**AMY:** You still there, Daria?

(Erin's empty screen gets replaced by that of Daria up in her room, wearing a deadpan expression.)

**DARIA:** How'd you guess I was listening?

**AMY:** (_smirking_) Call it intuition. So did you learn anything from my chat with your cousin?

**DARIA:** Just that love is a hell of a lot more confusing than I ever thought possible. And that if you're not **really** careful, you'll wind up with a dud for a boyfriend.

**AMY:** (_groaning_) Daria...

**DARIA:** What I don't get is how we can be approaching the Millennium and still have people like Erin stuck in a Fifties mindset. She's got **talent** -- why doesn't she seem to care?

**AMY:** (_shifting into an upright position_) Who knows? Maybe because not enough people told her she **could** succeed on just her talent. Certainly **I** never did. While she was growing up, I'd see her do these cute little talented things, but I was too pissed-off that she'd stolen my mother's love to ever praise her.

**DARIA:** (_surprised by this revelation_) Oh.

**AMY:** Her mom's no slouch, either -- not that I ever told her so. (_smirks resignedly._) But maybe it's not too late. So Erin's singing at a club, huh?

**DARIA:** Yeah, with Trent. That's the guy she was talking about.

**AMY:** (_surprised_) **Your** Trent?

**DARIA:** (_emphatic_) Not **my** Trent, any longer. If I had any doubts about how I felt about him, they were put to rest when he flaked out on the multimedia project Jane and I were working on for school. Now he's just Jane's brother, nothing more. [*] see "Jane's Addition"

**AMY:** I see...

**DARIA:** But still, he's a nice guy, and I've received enough knocks to know that nice guys should **not** be taken for granted. So I figured if **I** couldn't fully appreciate him, then maybe Erin could.

**AMY:** (_wry_) No question about that.

**DARIA:** (_blushing_) **And** since nice guys that I actually **could** feel something for don't seem to exist in Lawndale, I thought I could learn from watching a relationship between Erin and Trent. Erin and I may be miles apart in our personalities, but love is love -- or so I thought.

**AMY:** Or so you thought, indeed. (_face softens._) But hey, Daria, don't worry: you may not have anyone you like **now**, but --

**DARIA:** (_grumbling_) Yeah, yeah, I heard what you said to Erin. (_blushes._) But sometimes it's hard. There are things I **want** to know right now... (blushes harder -- this is leading up to the stuff she's been planning to ask.)

**AMY:** (_encouraging_) Like...?

**DARIA:** Like whether love, um... (_mumbles, she's so embarrassed._) changes you into a different person. (_Bt_) Well **does** it??

**AMY:** Hmm... I don't **think** so.

**DARIA:** Oh really? (_Bt. slight edge in her voice._) 'Cause from what I've seen from **you**, it sure seems that way. You haven't been yourself since you got back together with your boyfriend.

**AMY:** (_amused, annoyed_) Oh you **think** so, eh?

**DARIA:** Yeah. You've been almost as perky as Erin... or Quinn. It's like you've permanently ascended to Cloud Nine. (_emphatic._) Well I don't think I could handle that kind of change in myself. There are certain cynical truths I've come to in my life that I **don't** want undermined.

(Cut to full shot of Amy in her living room. She rolls her eyes in a benevolent "Damn, I've got a **lot** of explaining to do" way, and stands up. As she talks, she paces the room.)

**AMY:** (_firm_) Look, take it from someone who's spent a **lot** more time with me than **you** have. I don't **feel** like a different person. I've been a **happy** person, true. But believe it or not, happiness **is** an emotion I'm capable of feeling, and I don't think it's such a crime to indulge in it every so often.

(Cut to shot of Daria. She nods slowly. Resume shot of Amy. She pauses in front of a leather chair which, although nice, seems to clash somewhat with the living room's decor. Looks at it with a thoughtful frown.)

**AMY:** At the same time, I haven't lost all perspective, if that's what you're afraid of. Cynical little me is there as much as I ever was. And I know for a fact that love isn't about permanent bliss.

(_Cut to split screen, with Daria on the right._)

**DARIA:** Then what is it about?

**AMY:** It's... about... (_strains to think of the right words._) challenging yourself. I know it sounds corny, like something a health-and-fitness guru would say, but it's **true**.

**DARIA:** Would you care to elaborate?

**AMY:** It's... not becoming someone different, but just learning to **handle** things better. Since Joel and I got back together, he's had to give a little, and I've had to give a little. We've been trying to work out the crazy stuff that caused us to split up in the first place.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_slightly subdued_) Do you think it's been worth it?

(Pause. For a moment, a conflicted expression crosses Amy's face. Then she nods slowly.)

**AMY:** Yes, it's worth it. (_smirks._) Look, what I said to Erin works for **you**, too, and it works for **me**. We as human beings need to open ourselves up to risk, or else we're in danger of missing out on a lot wonderful experiences. Erin shouldn't hide from life behind a guy, you shouldn't be afraid of having a relationship, and I... shouldn't duck away from the **difficulties** in a relationship. (_Bt_) The work may not easy, but the fringe benefits are worth it, Daria, believe me.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_nodding slowly, looking relieved_) Okay, I believe you.

**AMY:** Good. (_cocks a wry brow._) That said, when do you think you'll find time in your **busy** schedule to talk to Joel?

**DARIA:** (_smirking sheepishly_) Depends. Maybe after you've changed the message on your answering machine.

**AMY:** (_chuckle softly_) Will do. It was fun for a while -- especially when it nearly gave your grandmother a heart attack. But it's time for something more... normal.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_Metreonopolis, Friday night_)

(Shot of the outside. There's a large neon sign overhead and flood lights streaking across the sky, suggesting that this is a "happening" place. Cut to shot of the inside. There are several small tables scattered around the room, as well as a stage, a la the old Cafe Lawndale style. Actually, everything looks the **same** as it did at Cafe Lawndale, except for the fact that the interior bears a techno-futuristic look. Yet for some reason, it seems to be highly valued by the young late teen-twenty-something crowd. The tables, as well as a nearby bar, are packed with people from Lawndale and other towns. Daria, Jane, and Tom are sitting at one in the middle of the room, sipping virgin drinks -- or at least Daria and Jane's are virgins. Mystik Spiral is setting up in the front.)

**JANE:** (_to Daria. disbelief_) Didn't want to tell me because he was my brother and you thought it'd **hurt my feelings**? Please, Daria, you've abused me in **far** worse ways as a friend. Besides, you know I'd never set you up with someone who wasn't suited to you.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Okay. Then it was because I drew sadistic pleasure from watching you try repeatedly to set me up with Trent, and I didn't want it to end.

**JANE:** Now **that's** more like it. (_Bt._) Although... (_wicked and sympathetic._) I think I have yet **another** reason. Could it be that being with Trent had been a fantasy of yours for so long, you were afraid to let go? Even when you knew it would no longer work?

(_Daria does the averting-her-eyes and blushing thing again._)

**DARIA:** That's it. Your Ph.D in Psychology will be mailed to you shortly, pending your return of overdue library books.

**JANE:** (_smirking_) **Thanks** -- I aim to over-analyze. (_Bt. looks up at the stage._) But hey, you know, maybe I'll be wrong about the potential for Erin and Trent to be a couple. (_shrugs._) They just **might** work together.

**DARIA:** (_also looking at the stage_) Or at least they might form a close **professional** relationship.

(Cut to shot of the stage. Erin is perched on a stool, not too far from where Trent is standing. She has a conflicted, semi-anxious look on her face. Both Helen's **and** Amy's advice swirl about in her mind, and now she's not sure how to behave around Trent. Right now, she's acting as though she's trying not to look at him. Just then, Trent finishes testing the mike and saunters over to her.)

**TRENT:** Hey.

**ERIN:** Oh... um... hi.

**TRENT:** Sorry I scared you a few days ago. It's been so long since we got any new people for Mystik Spiral, I'd forgotten how to act around them.

**ERIN:** (_surprised_) Oh... that's okay.

**TRENT:** Here, I got this for you. (reaches into his pocket, pulls out a guitar pick on a chain, and hands it to Erin.) The guy who sold it to me at a Grateful Dead concert said Jerry Garcia **might've** used it.

**ERIN:** (_looking at it, awed_) Thank you, Trent.

**TRENT:** It's just for tonight -- I let all first-timers wear it for good luck.

**ERIN:** (_putting it around her neck_) Thanks.

(_Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Tom._)

**TOM:** Hey, wouldn't it be something if this gig **was** actually the beginning of Mystik Spiral's rise?? If the band actually **broke** out after this and became a... (_sees Daria look off screen and get a mild frown._) What's the matter?

**DARIA:** I just saw something very disturbing. (_points._)

(Cut to their POV. At the bar, lounging on a stool, is **Brian** [did you really think he'd stay away??]. He's absorbed in polishing off his third beer and in receiving the caresses of a female escort.)

**JANE:** (_off screen_) Yeh-oh... the irate husband.

(Just then, as Brian sets down his beer, he notices **who** is on the stage. After gazing with shock for a few seconds, he pushes his date away and comes charging up to where Erin and Trent are standing.)

**BRIAN:** (_angry_) Erin, what're you **doing** here?!

**ERIN:** Brian?? (_Pause. face lights up._) You came! I **knew** you'd come look for me! I mean -- (_sobers up._) dammit, Brian, we're **through**! You never **once** tried to call me this week.

**BRIAN:** Oh yeah?! Well the minute I turn my back, you're breathing down the neck of some pencil-thin **asshole**!!

**TRENT:** (_trying to calm him down_) Hey, man --

**BRIAN:** Keep your hands off my **wife**!!

(_Pause. Trent looks at Erin with surprise._)

**TRENT:** Wife?

**ERIN:** (_to Brian_) Not anymore, I'm **not**!

**BRIAN:** (_to Trent_) You **punk**! **You** did this to her! Well I'll **teach** you --!

(He lunges at Trent and swings rather clumsily, easily missing his face. Trent tries to push him away. Then Jesse steps in to intervene.)

**JESSE:** Hey, chill out, mister --

(Brian swings again and hits Jesse rather weakly on the shoulder. Still, the momentum is enough to knock Jesse backwards into Max. Max looks stunned, then bursts into tears.)

**MAX:** Oww! That **huuuuurt**!

**TRENT:** (_to Brian. angry_) Hey, man, if you want to pick a fight with me, lay **off** my friends.

**JANE:** (_off screen_) Whoo, you tell 'im, bro!

(_Cut to shot of her, Daria, and Tom._)

**TOM:** Yikes -- things're gettin' ugly up there.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) I suppose one of us should intervene.

**JANE:** (_nonchalant_) Nah. I'm sure those two lads will work it out.

(_Resume shot of the stage. Brian inches closer to Trent._)

**BRIAN:** You **shut** your mouth, **dickhead**!

**ERIN:** Brian!

(She tries to restrain him as he makes another swing at Trent. But the way in which she's holding him back makes him vulnerable to the defensive punch which Trent sends his way. It lands squarely on his jaw and sends him backwards. We watch in slo-mo as Brian falls off the stage and plunges to the ground -- out cold. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Tom.)

**JANE:** Ooh... that wasn't good.

**DARIA:** Nope.

(Cut to shot of Erin and Trent. At first, both of them stare down at Brian in shock. Then Erin turns and looks dazedly at Trent. Trent continues to stare at Brian and rub his now-swollen knuckles. Erin looks at Trent, then at Brian, then at Trent, then at Brian. Finally she gives Trent one last, apologetic look, removes the guitar pick necklace, and hands it back to him. Trent watches as she hops off stage and goes over to help Brian, his face vaguely regretful.)

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 6 (_Morgendorffer house, the next day_)

(Shot of the outside. We see Brian's Range Rover parked out front. Cut to shot of the inside. Daria's standing near the front entrance, just as Erin comes over, carrying one of many, many bags of new clothes. You can pretty much guess what OH is thinking right now -- some pitying thoughts, some sarcastic thoughts.)

**ERIN:** (_bubbly_) Isn't it **great**, Daria? He really **does** love me and was missing me this entire time!

**DARIA:** Nothing like a gruesome bar fight to expose a man's cuddly side.

**ERIN:** And so I don't **have** to worry about going to college or living on my own to find the right guy, because I've had him all along!

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) You're sure, now?

**ERIN:** Oh, **definitely**! And we're going to have a **wonderful** life together, I just know it!

**DARIA:** Uh-huh.

**ERIN:** But listen: thanks for helping me out with Trent. That was really sweet of you.

**DARIA:** No big deal. Had to unleash that psychotic altruistic part of me at **some** point.

**ERIN:** Maybe someday you'll find someone special. (_Bt. wrinkles her nose._) But I wouldn't go with Trent if I were you. He's got this wild, dangerous side that I don't think even **I** could tame.

**DARIA:** (_cocking a droll eyelid_) Really?

(Just then Quinn bounds downstairs with a gift for her cousin. Helen and Jake follow soon after from the guest room, carrying the rest of Erin's bags.)

**QUINN:** Here's an extra bottle of pink lemonade nail polish. I don't need it.

**ERIN:** (_accepting it_) Thanks.

**HELEN:** (_setting down the bags, reaching over to hug Erin_) Now, Erin honey, be **sure** to -- (_interrupted by honking off screen._)

**BRIAN:** (_off screen_) Hey **Erin**! I can't wait all **year**!

(The four Morgendorffers frown, but Erin just rolls her eyes with loving tolerance.)

**ERIN:** (_cheerful_) Well, my man's calling me. I'd better go!

(She hugs Helen harder, then Jake, Quinn, and Daria. Takes hold of all the clothing bags and heads out the door.)

**HELEN/JAKE/QUINN:** Bye!/ Take care of yourself!/ Give us a call when you can!

(Daria cocks an eyelid. As the Range Rover heads off, Helen closes the door, looking resigned.)

(_fade-out. fade-in to:_)

SCENE 7 (_Morgendorffer house, that evening_)

(Close-up shot of Daria sitting on the center couch in the living room, looking through Amy's photos once again. This time, she wears a more tranquil expression. After several seconds of looking at one, she passes it to her left. Pan over to show Quinn taking it, looking it over.)

**QUINN:** He's cute, but he could **really** use a new wardrobe.

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) I'm sure he'd be grateful to hear it.

**QUINN:** (_frowning mildly_) No, he wasn't. (_Bt_) He just, like, **laughed** at me, or whatever. He's weird.

(Daria at first gets a funny look on her face when she realizes **Quinn** has spoken to Amy's beau. Then, when she absorbs his reaction, a smirk plays across her lips.)

**QUINN:** Hey, Daria? Y' know, it was **fun** having Erin stay with us, but I'm glad I'm not like her, after all.

**DARIA:** (_now really surprised_) You are??

**QUINN:** Yeah -- I mean it's fun to look good and dress nice so you can go out with guys, but if that was **all** I ever cared about, I would be soooooo **bored**. I'm making it my goal to lead a really **interesting** life.

(_Beat. Daria smirks._)

**DARIA:** Funny, that's **my** goal, too.

**QUINN:** (_stunned_) It **is**??

**DARIA:** Yep. And on these rare occasions when we actually **agree** on something, a moment of silence is required. (_Quinn frowns and nods, and there's a ten-second Pause._) Now pass me the phone.

**** THE END [roll the credits: "Alone," by Kara Wild]

(I think these lyrics stink, and Daria probably thought so, too, when she "wrote" them. ; > The song sort of has a Y2K apocalyptic theme, or whatever. Anyway, here they are in full:)

What do you do  
When the world comes tumbling down?  
Where do you go  
When nothing's the same?  
How can you learn  
The way to return,  
Return to the day you knew your name?

Look at the way  
They're tearing up the streets  
Look out --  
They're turning on their own.  
That's when you know  
You have nowhere to go.  
Better face the fact that you are all alone.

And you wander through the street.  
It's night; your breath chills in the air.  
And everyone you meet  
Won't even take the time to stare.

They all want to go their way.  
They've all got to live their lives.  
The world they're forming from decay  
Is one where happy few survive.  
Few survive...

Each place you go  
You meet with strangers.  
Even the folks  
You thought you knew.  
How do you make  
A clean break from the past?  
Better figure out a plan before you're through.

It's too late  
To go back to beginnings.  
It's too late  
To hide out from what's true.  
You already know  
You have nowhere to go.  
'Cause no one's gonna take good care of you.

You are alone, alone, alone  
You are al-ooooooooone.

(_Depressing, eh? Only from Daria... or someone masquerading as her..._)

COMMENTARY

This fanfic began with a loony laugh and a "Wouldn't that be **funny**?!" The insane moment occurred while I was writing the moment in "None in the Family, Part Two" when Brian makes an offhand reference to "Erin eyeing some skinny-ass rock musician in torn pants at a gas station." From that point, I decided to write a rather silly fanfic that would be as much a sequel to "'Shipped Out" as it would to "None in the Family."

As it turned out, the fanfic wasn't **too** silly. Blame it on my damned tendency to humanize -- I just couldn't make Erin look like too much of, well... an airhead. ; > I realized quickly that if I did, she would grate on the reader's nerves more quickly than **Val** did in "The Lost Girls" (_and I kept praying, as I wrote, that Erin didn't seem too much like Val_). I also thought it would make things more interesting; Daria, instead of scorning Erin and attempting to thwart her desires, would take pity on her and even **gasp** empathize to a certain extent. A lot of the reader's enjoyment of this fic rests on whether you were able to pity Erin even a little. If you didn't... oh well! I tried...

I thought it'd be worthwhile to attempt a fanfic about a member of Helen's family **other** than Amy, and the more I mulled it over, the more I realized that both Rita and Erin have probably led volatile cartoon lives that would be interesting to document. Of course, we don't know much about either of them. In "I Don't," Erin's few lines point to her being dependent on a man for her self-esteem, and also on her being a potential brat (_the way she snapped at Rita about her boyfriend_). However, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt as far as brattiness was concerned, so in this fic, she comes across more as a grown-up Stacy.

I tried to fit in as many "I Don't" references as possible, including one to Daphne, one of the three bridesmaids. Yet try as I might, I could **not** fit in an appearance by Luhrman -- although I'd like to think I **sort** of made up for it with the appearance of Tad and Tricia Gupty. There was also a brief flashback scene I had to cut, in which Helen threw up on the minister. Whoops... I shouldn't've told you that.

Another thing I wanted to do with this fanfic is address some 'shipper/anti-'shipper issues that took place since the posting of"'Shipped Out" in early June 1999. In particular, there's the notorious peck on the cheek Trent gives Daria at the end of "Jane's Addition." Contrary to what 'shippers may believe, the title "Erin the Head" does **not** refer to her 'shipper-esque tendency to glamorize Trent so much as it does to Daria and Jane's early perception of Erin. But if you think about it, poor ol' Erin really isn't **so** misguided; she knows that what she wants more than anything is to have a stable, loving relationship, and she'll do what she has to to get one. While I managed to mock some 'shippery things, like the kiss, I realized that it would be foolish to attempt another "'Shipped Out." So instead, I dwelt upon Daria's fear of/longing for a relationship, and of all of the relationships around her.

IMO, the thing this fic does most successfully is display different people's mindsets about relationships: Erin, Daria, Jane, Rita, Helen and Jake, Amy, and even Quinn. In particular, I enjoyed settling the cliffhanger of whether Amy would reunite with her beau. Heck, after a four-fanfic absence, I was just happy to bring Amy back. I hadn't originally meant for her to play such a large role; her appearance in Act Three was supposed to come out of nowhere. But then I thought that her relationship would serve as a nice middle ground between Erin's dependency on men and Daria's resistance to them, and I think the phone conversation tied all three together pretty well. I'll admit that I purposely played up the Daria/Amy "mirror image" thing this time around, to show that Daria identified strongly enough with her aunt to fear that any distasteful changes in **Amy** could take place in her.

In addition, the purists (_whoever you are_) may scoff all they want, but I get a big kick out of writing a relationship for the Famous Aunt. ; > Sure, on the show she might be shown as single, or dating someone who is **not** named Joel, or as a lesbian (_which would **really** make things difficult for me_), but for now, we don't know. I guess that places me in the same spot as 'shipper writers, in the sense that their work is based on ambiguity and speculation. And for those of you who may have wondered: I'm not trying to tease you with the question "when's Daria going to talk to Amy's boyfriend?" I just haven't found a smooth way to work him into a plot line. (Actually, he plays a large part in a fanfic I've got planned down the road, but it's a ways down the road, so I won't start dropping hints **just** yet.) If you want to remember what he's like, just reread "The Tie That Chokes" and "That Thing You Say."

The weakest parts of this fanfic, IMO, are the bits where Daria hides from Jane that she's no longer interested in Trent. First of all, I don't know if anyone was fooled into thinking that Daria **had** re-fallen for Trent since "'Shipped Out" -- although I left hints that she might in "None in the Family, Part One." Second, I'm sure to many people it seemed doubtful that Daria would hide something like that from Jane. But then again, Daria and Jane must have **some** secrets they keep from each other, and the reasons Daria gave for not telling were certainly plausible. I just figured that the mere possibility that Erin was competition for Daria might have added some tension to the plot. Luckily, the entire plot line did not hinge on the mystery; if you were never fooled, you may have at least taken interest in Daria's "Cyrano" turn.

The thing I discovered first and foremost while writing this is that I was trekking across **very** familiar territory in fanficdom. I wonder whether any of what Daria said in this fic hasn't already been said in a previous one. ; > Maybe that's why I mostly steer clear of shippery stuff; I like to touch on subjects that I imagine haven't been dealt with before. Anyway, as I've said elsewhere, this will be my **last** D/T-related fanfic. If I want Daria to have a bit of romance, it will be with someone else...

Overall, I'd call this fic decent, thoughtful, but not brilliant. Things got a little muddled in Act Three, I think. And as usual, Act Three was too long for my taste. Ah well...

Now on to... **Points of Interest**

"Evil Seventies Revival": As I've determined, Erin is 1-2 years older than I am (_I was 20; she was 21 in the first Daria year_). The revival of 1970's fashions (_and yes, it **was** evil_), hit my high school during my sophomore year, so it would have stricken while Erin was in high school as well. Miraculously, I managed to steer clear until it tapered out. Now I think we're in the **1980's** revival period (_vest, anyone?_).

**Erin Chambers Fan Club:** Many of us agree that "Chambers" is Erin's surname by birth, "Danielson" her surname by marriage.

**Quinn the math brain:** I spoke of this a little in the "Of Absolute Value" postscript, but Quinn's math prowess and Daria's encouragement of it are not contradictions to "Quinn the Brain." There, Quinn is a charlatan English brain who eventually grows tired of her charade. Here, she's got real talent which she's **still** not sure how to apply. I believe Daria's resentment toward Quinn in QTB had less to do with Quinn showing she was genuinely smart than with her showing how her **lack** of smartness was still getting rewarded. People called her a "brain" even when she wrote bad poetry, forcing Daria to question what it **meant** to be a brain. Here, Quinn's talent would pass muster under any circumstance; her braininess is something Daria would have no problem recognizing, and thus, Daria does not feel threatened by it -- especially because Quinn's talent does not compete in the same subject area as her own. That's why we see Daria encouraging Quinn to study, instead of being secretly glad that her sister is floundering. It's a way they could conceivably be brought closer together -- **but** you will see that Daria's jealousy will come into play in future fanfics. There will be another Quinn-centric fanfic coming up not too far down the road...

**Helen and Jake's marriage:** I'll confess, my primary reason for having the scene between Helen, Jake, and Erin in Act Three was to pinpoint where H and J are in their marriage right now. As we can see, things seem to be business as usual, but there **are** undercurrents of hostility that will also get played out in a fanfic not too far down the road...

**Metreonopolis/Cafe Lawndale:** If you recall, Cafe Lawndale got closed down at the end of "Cafe Disaffecto." If you also recall, I resurrected it in "The Tie That Chokes" as a cafe with a sort of police state mentality. I just thought it'd be worth a chuckle if it got remodeled yet **again** into a "happening" new club. ; > The name "Metreonopolis" is derived from the Metreon in San Francisco, a new, overrated I-MAX theatre with a futuristic decor.

**Going home and sleeping with someone you barely know:** Obviously, that's my second reference to "Thicker Than Water" by Danny Bronstein and C.E. Forman. In it, Amy **does**, indeed, go to Trent's house to sleep with him after they've barely met. I **still** get a kick out of this fanfic, and I think it served as something of an inspiration for ETH. If **Amy** could get together with Trent, then why not Erin, who at least is the same **age** as he is??

**More Kara Wild canon fodder:** In Act Three, Amy makes a reference to the resentment she felt during Erin's early years. Here is the context as I have created it: during the first three-four years of Erin's life, her parents shared the house in Rutherford with Grandma and Grandpa Barksdale and Amy. At the time, Amy was a surly teenager who did not take kindly to her house being dominated by a pixie-cute little "brat." Therefore, she took pains to **not** be nice to her. Down the road, I might write a fanfic about this; it would be outside the bounds of The Driven Wild Universe.

**Aftermath of "'Shipped Out":** When I wrote "'Shipped Out," I imagined that I would get flamed almost immediately, that scores of 'shippers would tell me to go to hell and how **dare** I poke holes in their dream. Luckily, that never happened. Several 'shippers displayed some uneasiness, but there was no outright hostility. People confessed that although they didn't agree with my vision, I had presented it credibly enough that it could not be stricken down. I suspect my fic may have gained extra credibility from "Lane Miserables," which has some scenes that are **very** similar to SO's (_the older Daria/Trent fantasy; Daria taking Quinn's advice_). Anyhow, all SO is is an alternative to a 'shipper fic, nothing more, nothing less. It's not a flaming manifesto, a declaration of war, what have you. ; > I'd like to think it made some anti-'shippers feel a little more comfortable with coming out of the closet (_some were **already** out_), along with some of the real episodes. All I can say is thank **God** for "Jane's Addition": at last the possibility of Jane and Jesse getting together has been stricken dead!!

Now it's time for another ****THE MYSTERIES OF****

This time, we'll explore the mystery of "Beat." "Why Kara," people ask, "do you put so many 'Beat's in your fanfics? What do they mean??"

Well, it's pretty simple. For me, as for many authors, "Beat" is a short pause. I just tend to point out all of the short pauses more than most, which is why I've shortened it to "Bt." Usually the pause is for dramatic effect, so an important sentence is isolated a little more, allowing the reader to dwell on it and to absorb its full impact. For example:

**DARIA:** Jane, I want you to know something. (_Bt_) I'm not interested in Trent. Nor have I been for a long time.

The "Bt" allows you a nanosecond's pause before reading the all-important second sentence. (_Best school-teacher voice_) Here's a little game: write the bit of dialogue **without** the "Bt," and see if you read it differently. Ooh what fun!

"Beat" is also good for helping the characters change subjects without having it seem too awkward. I'm too lazy to dredge up an example, so just take my word for it. ; >

****Oops!****

I forgot to mention last time the origin of Daria's contract reading in "Surreal World." If you recall, towards the end of Act Two, before she drew Sandi's wrath, she was studying all of the "do nots" of her contract. Where that comes from is the regulations the "Road Rules"/ "Real World" executives place in the cast members' contracts. In one case, a member of the "Road Rules: South America" team had to be sent home for hitting a fellow cast member, even though they had worked things out afterward. In another case, one casanova from "Real World: Seattle" got in big trouble for dating an executive with the show. I believe that their behavior was wrong, but the thing is: these shows will let cast members nearly drink themselves to death and sleep with each other at random, yet they draw a stark line at other, equally-bad forms of behavior. I say if they can't be consistent, they ought to just live and let live. This is voyeuristic television, is it not? ; >

****Acknowledgements****

Gosh, I don't know if I have anyone to thank this time around. Maybe I'll just be thankful for the resurrection of Lawndale Commons, and for the Daria movie coming out next fall. **And** that it's Y2K and we're A-OK. Gee, how many times have you heard **that** one?? ; >

To those of you who have my stuff showing at your web sites: if you don't have a URL, and I haven't sent you my latest fic(_s_), just write a polite e-mail to bug me... :-)

And **please**, if you're going to take your web sites down, could you at least **warn** me so I have a chance to mourn??!

If anyone'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu

"Y2K, and we're OK... Y2K, in old Bombay!!" Anyone ever heard that song, "Bombs Away," by the Police? Thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright January 2000. All rights reserved.


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